“Moving on is easy. It’s staying moved on that’s trickier.” ~Katerina Stoykova Klemer
Do you genuinely like yourself (for the most part, anyway) but have “baggage” you wish would quietly pack up and move out?
Well, have you ever thought about writing yourself a breakup letter? I know. It sounds sort of schizophrenic. But humor me just for a moment.
Many of us have parts of who we are that seem to stalk us like so many paparazzi hoping to catch us with our pants down.
They crowd us, smother us, undermine, condemn and hurt us over and over and over again. And yet, we seem to keep them around year after annoying year.
I propose we write a breakup letter to our self-stalking parts to signal the end of a relationship, that they are no longer invited guests, to go away and leave us alone.
How to Breakup with your Darker Parts
A sample letter …
Dear Self,
I’m writing to let you know that our relationship is no longer tolerable. Yes, that means exactly what it sounds like. I’m breaking up with you.
So pack your bags and leave! But before you go, I want to be sure you know why I’m kicking you out.
1. I’m breaking up with the excuses
I can’t stand them anymore. You have kept me a child in adult clothing for too long. You have limited my options and turned my mistakes into failures, something to hide from, to lie about and fear.
You have damaged my ability to learn and grow from my challenges. So I have to leave you now to grow up and start taking full responsibility for my life. If you refuse to go, I’ll be forced to drop kick you out the back door.
2. I’m breaking up with the grudges and criticism
I will no longer let you bury the past in the present or whine about things that don’t matter. Complaining is impotent. I will no longer allow impotence in my life.
So I’m leaving the past in the past. You will no longer be permitted to be a part of my life. I’m done with you. It’s over. Take the ring, the promises and the photos and get out!
3. I’m breaking up with the dishonesty
I’m sick of the lies and half-truths, the blame and irresponsibility. I don’t want to put up with it anymore. So I’m simply not going to.
You are damaging my integrity and honor and self-respect. You are undermining my relationships and trustworthiness. I’m kicking you out in the cold and don’t care if it’s snowing. Good bye!
4. I’m breaking up with the fear you cower in
You have kept me hiding from myself and anxious about unlikely scenarios, frozen in immobility as I contemplate all you heap on my shoulders. I won’t let you control me anymore. I won’t let you berate me with unlikely possibilities and dark predictions and dim prognostications.
I will no longer let you tie me to the way things have always been. I will no longer allow you to tie my potential to yesterday. No longer will I allow you to shove me into corners, keeping me quiet and safe. And if you try to stay, I’ll ignore you as though you weren’t here anyway. So you might as well go now.
5. I’m breaking up with the rumors you spread in the chambers of my heart
You whisper with venomous intent that the person in the mirror is too fat or too skinny or too dumb or too ugly or too unworthy or incapable or lazy or forgetful or slow and too this and not enough that and all too often other things and all too seldom the right things. So I’m no longer accepting the lies or believing the stories or listening to the put-downs.
It’s over. From this moment forward, I am free of your impositions and misery and dishonor. I’m kicking you out and inviting something much more beautiful into my life instead. I’m inviting peace. I’m inviting happiness.
I’m inviting me.
Afterthoughts
What are the parts of your life you long to be rid of? What are doing about ridding yourself of them? Perhaps you saw some of your parts reflected in the portrait I painted above.
Can a letter such as this really end life-long habits of thought, entrenched attitudes, emotional scars and spiritual viruses that have bore down deeply into the very system that now affects us? Perhaps not. But every success, both great and small, everywhere and at all times, began with a first step.
This is a first step.
Write the letter.
Your turn …
- What do you think about writing a breakup letter to your self-defeating parts?
- What would be in yours?
- What do you think about the parts I advocate breaking up with in my sample letter?
- Please share your thoughts in the comments below
This is brilliant! I can relate to everything in your sample letter. I would also include self pity and being overly sensitive in my letter. My family feels like they have to “walk on eggshells” around me, and it makes me feel pretty bad. I didn’t realize they felt that way!
Thanks so much, Mia! Your additions are perfect! I especially wish I would have thought of adding self-pity. We do that sometimes, don’t we! But it’s such a self-defeating attitude that keeps us helpless, victims to our own unwillingness to accept our role and responsibility in creating the circumstances we live in.
You may be interested in reading a post I wrote some time ago on hyper-sensitivity. You can click on it in the sidebar on my blog (it’s called 10 Ways You can Stop Being so Easily Offended) or click here.
While i like this article about breaking up with parts of yourself, I feel it’s better to re-integrate those parts back together to form a whole. How can you be complete if you break up with parts of your own self? It’s like trying to get rid of part of yourself and disowning it. Forgiveness and integration is a better way in my opinion.
Thanks for the thoughts, Brian. I do wonder, however, how we would integrate dishonesty and criticism back together to form a whole. And why would we want that kind of whole? What is left in the void when we rid ourselves of dishonesty, fear and grudges?
It’s not emptiness. It’s not less than wholeness. It is even more whole. It is forgiveness and courage and honesty. When we kick criticism out, we invite peace at the same time. When we kick excuse-making out, we invite responsibility.
But even if this were not the case, I would much rather be a person who still has empty places than those places filled with negativity and moral pathology.
Forgiveness is good as long as it doesn’t excuse substandard effort or bad behavior. We don’t need to be perfect (nor can we be), but when we integrate dishonesty and forgive our misbehavior (irrespective of whether we’ve made any changes to that behavior), we invite ourselves to live far below our potential.
That’s my read, anyway. I would love to get your feedback, though. I’m open to be convinced otherwise. 🙂
I’ve said it before and I will say it many more times I am sure — I love your way with words. Great stuff. Best regards, David
Hey David! You’re too kind. I have to admit though, I do love words. I used to use a 3×5 card as a book mark so I could write down words in context I wasn’t familiar with. Then I would look them up and commit them to memory. I rarely write words anymore, but still use my 3×5 card bookmarks to capture ideas. So many good ones floating around out there!
Hi Ken,
Breaking up with the ‘excuses’ is a biggie. We all have them. I am aware of mine & have gradually reduced them. Beware of the subtle ones though, they come in diguise. Thanks for this…
Be good to yourself
David
Life Coach. Listener. Solution Finder.
David Stevens recently posted … 9 outstanding Life “rules” to live and learn by
So true, David! The subtle excuses are so good at sneaking in under our radar. You’re also right about all of us keeping a handful or two of them close by. We’re so good at using them to wiggle out from under our own responsibility. But like you say, the secret is to do what you’ve done: gradually reduce them.
Interesting approach Ken. I think that this is a strategy that could work.Thanks for the advice.
Neil Butterfield recently posted … Baobab Fruit Powder – The South African Super Food
My pleasure, Neil. It was a fun one to write. Besides, we can all use a little help to keep building the life we were meant for.
Hi Ken,
It’s a great first step and not at all schizophrenic 😉 It brings to mind the book I’m reading now – The Untethered Soul – have you read it? He talks about the “roommate” – the voice in our heads which is critical, anxious, you name it – and which never stops talking!!! I’ve been evicting him but as you say in the quote, the trouble it to keep him from coming back!
We’re doing a book discussion on this book online starting on the 17th – let me know if you’re interested!
Lori
Lori Gosselin recently posted … Do You Believe the Mind, Body and Emotions are Connected?
I’ve heard of The Unteathered Soul, but haven’t read it, so wouldn’t be much help in a discussion. But thanks so much for the invite, Lori!
I like the idea of a roommate, though. It might be easier to make a convincing case against a “roommate’s” critiques than when we’re facing our own criticisms and anxieties. Next time I’m in the bookstore, I’ll take a look.
As for making such evictions stick, that is the challenge. One step at a time, right?
Awesome post Ken. One is sure to get rid of all the nasty after writing this letter. Thanks for posting.
Wade Balsdon recently posted … Can a Healthy Diet Reverse Type 2 Diabetes?
Thanks Wade! It has a way of clarifying the most pressing issues in our lives (pulling them out of the shadows, so to speak), then identifying what we can do to step it up and live closer to our potentials. When things come into focus for us, half the challenge is already taken care of!
What a great idea. I might go as far as putting the letter on the bathroom mirror just for the reminder.
Thanks for a good laugh, a peaceful smile and a brilliant idea.
With aloha, Susan
Susan Gregg recently posted … Episode 98: The News
That’s such a good idea, Susan! We need those regular reminders, don’t we! So whether on mirrors or cell phones or wherever, so long as it helps us remember there is a life we’re trying to build and steps we truly want to take that will spell more joy in our lives as we live up to that standard.
Thanks for laughing, Susan! I had fun with it!
This must be the season for Dear John letters–I just read a letter on another blog breaking up with writer’s block! Your letter, however, struck closer to home.
I remember being at a point in my life where I was so stuck in misery of my own creation that I realized I was bored with myself. I was bored with the same old thoughts, the same old reactions, the same old excuses, the same old stories. I wanted to be anywhere except in my own mind!
I don’t remember that I wrote a break up letter with myself, but that is definitely how I felt. And I did break up with myself. That was the beginning of fundamental changes in my life. So yes, a letter like this, written with determination and commitment can absolutely change your life.
What would I write to myself now? I probably wouldn’t. I have a pretty happy marriage with myself now, and the issues that pop up can be handled in a good discussion with myself!
Galen Pearl recently posted … Invest in Loss
I hope it’s not the season of Dear Johns! 😉
Humanity is certainly good at creating our own misery, aren’t we! You were probably pretty symptomatic of most people back then. Excuses fill most people’s ready-answers for why life for them is flat, miserable or otherwise dissatisfying. So glad you had your awakening, Galen, and now love the relationship you’re in with yourself! That relationship is ultimately more important than any other and colors the nature of those relationships we form with others in very distinct hues.
Always love reading your comments, Galen! You’re a wise one with so many wonderful learning experiences to share!
This is a great exercise for dealing with low self-esteem.
If you have low self-esteem you often carry around a vicious inner critic that constantly bash you with this and that.
Write a break-up letter to him/her/it.
Great idea Ken!
Thanks so much! I just think it’s easier to confront the darker parts of ourselves when we address them almost as different from us. Then it doesn’t feel so much like self-criticism or condemnation and we’re more open to the changes we identify as priorities.
That inner-critic can be harsh! So yes, that would be an awesome “character” to address a breakup letter to!
Aren’t you just trying to say…How to get out of your own way fast?
Jayme Soulati recently posted … Soulati Media On The Street With Greyden Press
Haha! I’m not so sure, Jayme. Part of our nasty parts make quite a bit of noise about getting their own way. And in truth, we benefit from most of them in some way or another or we wouldn’t have many of them hanging around so long.
Sometimes I actually WANT to rely on excuses and blame to justify my inaction when I’m feeling a bit lazy. Sometimes dishonesty is just so much easier (in the short run) than the hassle of telling the truth all the time and experiencing some of the the repercussions of honesty when it’s not particularly liked by others.
But it is just trying to get what our HIGHER selves want.
Now we just need to get our higher selves winning more of those arguments! 🙂
I think it is a good idea to write a breakup letter to your self-defeating parts. I think becoming aware of them is the first step for change.
I think a tendency to want to give up would be in mine. Impatience. A deep feeling of worthlessness and the frequent suicidal thoughts that accompany it.
I agree that we should break up with the excuses we make and especially the chamber that holds all of the rumors and self-defeating thoughts. IF I could get rid of that, it would be a great step in the right direction.
Sebastian Aiden Daniels recently posted … Am I gay, straight or bi?
The first step to success is admitting you have a problem .This is a great way of doing that..
Great job ken
John recently posted … WELCOME
[…] How to Break up with the Nasty Parts of your Life (a breakup letter to yourself) […]
Hi , this is awesome, it made me realized that there are some nasty parts of my life that i really need to break up with, they’ve been with me for a couple of years now and you gave me a great idea on how to do this. Thank you very much for sharing. Great post!
sherill recently posted … Why “Motivation” Is Keeping You Stuck
I think that this letter idea is fabulous. We all need to learn how to talk to ourselves in a more compassionate and understanding way.
Carla Corelli recently posted … How to Set Boundaries with Narcissists: Strengthen Your Defences