“We should be too big to take offense and too noble to give it.” ~ Abraham Lincoln
The 15th quote of 16 in the series, 16 Principles of Happiness from the 16th President.
Are you “too big to take offense”? Or are you easily offended? Do you have thick skin? Or is yours paper-thin? Are you calm and subdued? Or do you easily explode into fits of anger? Do you take things the wrong way? Do you know the “real” motive behind what people say and do and mean, despite their protests to the contrary? Do others believe they have to “walk on eggshells” around you?
If so, your hypersensitivity is robbing you of happiness.
I know it’s much easier for me to tell you to stop taking things so personally, than it is to actually stop taking things so personally. Still, there are ways to thicken your skin and enjoy more joy.
10 Ways of Becoming “too Big to Take Offense”
#1: Talk Yourself out of Being Offended
It can be just that simple. In the heat of the moment, try asking yourself these questions: “What am I getting so bent out of shape for? Does this really matter? What’s the bid deal?” Reason with yourself: “Did he really mean it the way I was just about to take it? Is he truly actually trying to hurt me? Well, then, what is he really trying to say?”
Tell yourself the person who is the potential offender has as much right to his opinion as you do to yours. Besides, they’re only words. What can words do? They certainly can’t break my bones!
Remember, the reason we usually feel offended is because of the meaning we attach to what is said or done: “That means he really doesn’t care!” “She’s saying I am no good!” “I knew he didn’t really love me!” “She wouldn’t say that if she was …” And so the internal interpretation goes.
So simply reframe it. Talk yourself out of the offense by telling yourself: “This person is simply expressing his opinion, and listen to how interesting it is! I find it so fascinating that someone can have such opinions that are almost the exact opposite of mine!”
You will be happier as you learn to talk yourself out of offense and internalize the sticks-and-stones-may-break-my-bones-but-words-will-never-hurt-me philosophy of communication.
#2: Put Yourself in the “Offender’s” Shoes
This will have the added benefit of being less offensive to others, as you learn to be “too noble to give offense.” In any event, if you can slide your feet into their moccasins for a minute, you can learn to see things from the offender’s perspective. And then, just maybe, you will see that you too played a role in the drama. And perhaps you will also come to see that the offender had no such intentions of offending.
#3: Assume a Benevolent Motive
Unless proven otherwise (you don’t want to become someone’s dupe), assume the person in question has noble intent. Maybe the language was clumsy, maybe even ill-advised, but assume a good heart. That should take the sting out of the bite and put some happiness back in your day.
So don’t hold on to the words people use to get at the thing they are trying to express. Hear the idea and ignore the clumsiness of the expression.
#4: Practice Detachment
Many people are easily offended because they can’t emotionally differentiate between their thoughts and their inner sense of self. When identities are too closely tied to one’s opinions, and those opinions are then disagreed with, many feel like they, themselves, have been rejected, the core of who they are have been shoved away, pushed to a corner and crushed. This, of course, hurts, but is highly inaccurate.
To overcome hypersensitivity, realize that your opinions are not you. And certainly, any given opinion or set of opinions are not the whole of who you are. To the degree you can detach your ideas from your identity, you will live a happy, fulfilling life with little opportunity to feel offended.
#5: Learn Humility
A well-known religious leader once said that whenever he hears that he has offended someone, his first response is to stop and think if, in fact, he may have said or done something that could have given the impression of an offense. That, by itself, is a great attitude of humility that would make him almost immune to offense.
But he didn’t stop there. He went on to say that he often found that he had indeed said something that could have been construed as offensive. He would then seek out the offended person and apologize for the misconstrued word or deed. Humility is the friend of inner peace and equanimity. And peace and equanimity are the friends of happiness.
#6: Love Truth more than Being Right
If the truth, whoever possesses it, is more valued than the perception that you are the one who knew it first, then opposition to your thoughts and beliefs will be inoffensive no matter how offensive the other person is trying to be. You are not emotionally attached to your position. You only hunger after truth. So opposition to your point of view offers no grounds for offense. You simply want to know the truth, even if you are never the place it originates.
#7: Overcome Self-Centeredness
The It’s-All-About-Me mentality is fertile soil for being frequently offended. Every word out of every mouth, every action or inaction, all that is done or undone, all motives and intentions become a reflection on you. That is a HUGE burden to carry.
If everything is reduced to how it affects you, if you reside at the center of everything, no wonder you are so frequently offended! Move away from the center of everyone else’s life. You likely aren’t really there anyway. Nor should you be, in most cases. Allow most of life to be indifferent to you. My bad mood isn’t about you. Your mom’s neglect isn’t even about you either. It’s about her! This way, less in life will offend you and happiness will be much less fleeting too.
Besides, they’re entitled to their opinion. So let them have it … cheerfully!
#8: Reserve Judgment
Finish the discussion. Let the talk continue to its natural end. So often we jump to conclusions, assume an ill intent, create meaning to a word that then hurts and offends. Resist that urge and delay judgment until the conversation has run its course. You just may find there is no offense to be had by the time you get to the end.
#9: Accept Imperfection
If you expect others to act and speak a certain way, or assume others will be as kind or compassionate as you, if you’re offended when they don’t rise to the level of your expectation, you will almost always be offended or on the verge of it. Instead, allow people to be human. They are, after all.
We all have foibles, idiosyncrasies and personality and character flaws. So do you! Yours just may be different than theirs. So just let it be, shrug and let it slide off your back. Don’t hold on to the imperfections of others so tightly that you strangle yourself in the process! Release! Let go! Breathe. Relax.
Part of accepting others’ imperfections is also learning to forgive them their past mistakes (so the current problem isn’t blown out of proportion as an extension of a previous problem unresolved) and create a sort of Forgiveness Default Setting in your heart that you automatically go to when confronted with offensive language or behavior.
Remember, people are imperfect. You are imperfect. Life is imperfect. And that’s just plain A-Okay! When you can accept their imperfection (and your own!), you will be well on your way to a life of more emotional stability and happiness.
#10: Accept Yourself
Learn and grow and improve, of course. But accept where you are along that path. You could hardly be anywhere else, given circumstances, after all. So accept yourself deep inside. Validate your inner being. See yourself as more than your behavior. You are also your potential.
You are of God, after all. None of us live up to expectations. But accept that too, not as an excuse to stop the moral climb, but as an understanding that where you are is fine for now, at this moment. Move from there, but right now, here, you are complete.
This self-acceptance will de-claw others’ ability to offend you. It won’t hurt because your validation doesn’t come from their opinions about you. It comes from within … or from above. People who are internally fragile – no matter how “tough” their exterior – break most easily at the wrong or misplaced word or deed.
So grow your inner self. Become self-accepting. And life will be a more consistently happy place to live.
YOUR TURN!
- How have you grown thicker skin?
- Have you found any of these suggestions helpful?
- What advice would you give someone who is easily offended?
- Are there other ways of letting go that would help?
Please share your thoughts in the comments below. And please Share, Tweet or Google + this post if you found value here. It would mean a lot to me.
And don’t forget to subscribe! It’s FREE!!! You can also get my free eBook by clicking here: A Walk Through Happiness
Click on any of the posts in this series for further reading:
- 16 Principles of Happiness from the 16th President
- We’ve Seen Lincoln on the Penny; Now let’s hear him on Happiness!
- Tearing Down and Building Up: Envy and Success
- There’s More than One Way to Live Forever … Leaving a Legacy
- 5 Enslaving Habits We Must Avoid
- 10 Practical Ways to Develop Self-mastery
- You Have To Do Your Own Growing No Matter how Tall Your Grandfather Was
- 10 Ways You Too Can Stop Being So EASILY Offended
- A House Divided is Happiness Diminished
I like to stop and take a moment to reflect if what I am hearing sounds like truth. If it does I take it in and decide what direction I want to go with the information. If it doesn’t I brush it off and keep moving forward. Having love and compassion for yourself makes it easier not to take things so personally.
I think that is so wise of you, Wendy. Reflecting on the validity of what others say instead of the tone or perceived intentions of the person saying them or the words used to express the content the words convey takes maturity and a lot of that self-love and self-compassion you refer to. Thank you so much for adding that insight to the post!
One of the things I love most about blogging is all the insight and inspiration I get from others improving what I started with comments such as yours!
Hey Ken,
Great list of effective tools and strategies for overcoming sensitivity. I have to admit that when I am tired or feeling out of sorts I am more likely to be offended.
I generally don’t react to what someone says unless it is so egregious that I have to say something. I also realize that when someone is being offensive that it is never about me.
Stop being so god-damned offended and taking yourself so seriously. This is what I proactively remind myself everyday.
Good to see you again, my friend!
Like you, Justin, I tend to speak up, perhaps not so much out of a sense of offense, but out of a strongly developed sense of justice, when people behave poorly. My wife thinks that if I hadn’t become a teacher, I would have been happy as a cop. She’s probably right!
But I think you nailed it with your proactive reminder not to take yourself seriously. I think if I were to write the post over again, I would include the importance of developing a good sense of humor. Learning to laugh at ourselves, like you said, not taking ourselves seriously, is so critical to learning to let thinks slide off our backs.
When people flip me off for honking at them (there’s my over-developed sense of justice again!) for their rude driving, for example, I have to laugh. I see so much silliness in their behavior — grown adults flipping me off for their own rude behavior.
Being able to laugh in the face of intended offense is crucial to refusing the offense.
You’re a good man, Justin. Thanks for the added insight!
Great points, Ken!
My personal highest motivation for not offending people as an reaction on feeling offended myself. Because I know that after you offend somebody there is an unbalance in the interaction and possible in the relationship. This will make it is more difficult to come in a win/win situation together.
That’s why I avoid to feel offended and your 10 points are great reminders to keep achieving that.
Thanks for sharing!
Thanks, Marc!
Win/win relationships are certainly the goal. If we become the martyr in a relationship, we are not being true to ourselves. If we are offending the other, we are violating a most sacred trust. The only real alternative is to treat others kindly, with love and compassion and understanding. Once that is truly our mindset, we will have gone far to down the road to a life without giving or accepting offense.
Thank you for commenting, Marc. It’s always good to see you drop by.
hello ken
how are you?
thanks for sharing this article.
i’ve found out that unconsciously counting in my head and talking myself out of the offence often calms me and prevents me from taking inappropriate actions.
it doesnt mean i wouldnt be assertive or express how i feel being wronged but i certainly wont throw caution to the wind because it’s not helped in the past.
humility is certainly a trait one needs to work on because sometimes offence may stem from from pride or class issues. i also think being self centred is linked with certain aspects of pride
it’s important to accept that we would get offended at some points/times in our lives and once it occurs, we must practice the art of detachment learning to distinguish what goes on in our thoughts.
take care and enjoy the rest of the day
Hello Ayo, my friend!
Wonderful observations on your part! Being assertive is as important to our happiness, in some ways, as not taking offense. Otherwise, we become doormats to those who are willing to walk all over other people who don’t stand up for themselves. The opposite of assertiveness is weakness. And weakness is never a place from which happiness grows.
I do believe there are some appropriate times to be offended as a moral instinct to moral offense. But if we hang on to the offense and let it fester inside, that’s when it does the most harm to our happiness.
Thanks again for your insights, Ayo!
Have an awesome week!
Great post Ken,
I was married to a man that was verbally abusive. Yes, i did grow thick skin. In the end I felt bad for him, because he didn’t and could stop himself, because he was “too big to take offense”.
Self esteem can play a big part in how you handle someones remarks. When our self worth is low we get to sensitive about things.
When someone is to sensitive, they need to take a look at themselves. you can not be a victim unless you allow it. Some have to work a little harder at solving this problem, but anything is possible when we decide to change a habit or behavior.
Thank for the reminder and blessing to you,
Debbie
Hi Debbie!
I always love reading your comments. Thank you for this one too! And I am so glad you are no longer in a verbally abusive marriage, Debbie.
It’s so true what you said about self-esteem and taking offense. Those who feel small inside would find it difficult to be “too big to take offense.” Others’ opinions and treatment of them become disproportionately important because they lack a strong enough internal voice of self-validation.
Thank you so much for your wisdom and your work on behalf of our shared passion for happiness!
Have a wonderful week!
Hi Ken! Great post. I heard a talk by Craig Groeschel once where he talked about rejection. In it, he said, “There are some people who look for ways to be offended.” I have found this to be true. I suppose this goes hand in hand with taking ourselves too seriously. I love this but really love the admonition you give to “accept ourselves.”
I like that: “There are some who look for ways to be offended.” So true! I know people like that. It kind of breaks my heart. I know how much happier life could be for them if they would just step away from looking for proof that people are jerks and want to hurt them all the time.
Thank you so much for the kind words and for sharing the Groeschel quote, Bryan. Keep up the great work you do on your blog. I really enjoy the read — lots of great stuff.
Hi Ken,
I’ve learnt that there is energy associated with what we say and what we do. When we respond negatively to a perceived offence we are adding to the negative energy. At first, I thought this was a bit “out there”, but experimenting taught me the truth of it.
I have turned potentially explosive conversations around, by choosing to respond positively instead of returning negative for negative.
It is also much healthier to not take offense. Our body chemistry releases some very nasty stuff when we are angry.
To happy conversations!
Karen
Hi Karen!
Isn’t that so amazing? I’ve had those opportunities to return kindness and patience and love for anger and negativity too. I just love the expression on the faces of those who expected the typical response I’m sure they’re used to getting. They sometimes don’t quite know what to do.
I’ve even had one person break out laughing because my response kept them from automatically going into fight-mode and I’m sure they saw themselves and the silliness of the situation clearly, who knows, but perhaps for the first time.
Congratulations at having learned that powerful lesson. Too many haven’t. Positive replies of love and compassion and a true desire to see past the anger to try to help is a wonderful way to live life. And a happier one to boot!
Thank you so much for sharing such important insights with us, adding to the conversation.
To wonderful comments!
such great points Ken especially in time where we are most likely to get criticized by others
i liked point number 3 Assume a Benevolent Motive the most
keep it up
Thank you, Farouk!
Speaking of criticism, I think there are two ways to interpret criticism that can keep us from losing our cool and turn a potentially negative encounter into a positive one:
1. Recognize the truth in the criticism. We really can learn to focus our attention on what is being said while ignoring how it is being said. The critique just may be accurate or partially so and our offense, and resulting defensiveness, can prevent us from catching an area of needed growth. If we truly hunger for truth and personal improvement, we can even learn to feel a degree of gratitude for a blind spot having been made visible by someone who was willing to take the time to point it out, even if delivered in an awkward or irreverent tone.
2. The critique is a reflection of the critic, not me or my work. In this case, it is easy to dismiss the critic’s words as so much nonsense without feeling offended. We might even feel a little sorry for the person, hoping one day the critic will overcome the personality or character flaws reflected in the nature of the criticism that are likely preventing him/her from experiencing as much joy as would otherwise be experienced.
Then if you add the assumption that buried below the surface of a cranky delivery, there was a benevolent motive, then life can go on just as sunny and cheery as if no criticism was ever delivered in the first place.
Thanks for your input and kind words, my friend!
Have an amazing week!
Great list of tips here, Ken! I think my top three are
1) to not care of the opinions of others, because they mostly originate from a place of self-judgement and are projected upon others as the (subconscious, ego-dominated) means of feeling better about one’s self
2) knowing that being offended comes from that same egoic thinking: i’m hurt that someone thinks ill of my own projected self-image, and that usually too originates from a place of insecurity. I won’t care about someone not liking my shoes, because i’m not insecure about my shoes– they’re just shoes. But if I’m insecure about my body or job, I’ll obviously be far more offended and worried when someone judges them.
Dave
Excellent points, Dave.
So true about recognizing that offenses can come from a place of insecurity in the offending person as a way to pull others down to feel better about themselves and their own dissatisfying lives can certainly make dismissing their offenses easier.
I truly appreciate the insight you bring on ego and trait- or condition-specific insecurities. You are dead-on about feeling more vulnerable to criticism of those parts of us that we feel insecure about. You add a wonderful level of depth to the topic.
I would also distinguish between feeling vulnerable and insecure from that of being offended. I can feel insecure about my looks and therefore more susceptible to feeling down after someone calls me ugly without feeling offended — feeling anger and resentment, like I’ve been wronged, that the person had no right to say such things to such as I!
Thanks again for the clarity and insight you brought here. Keep up the good work you do! And have an awesome weekend, Dave.
happyv to find this site at a time in my life when your answers were so apt. Thankyou
I’m happy you found it too, Connie!
I sincerely hope things in your life are on the upward swing. If not, or if things are such that whether upward swinging or not, life just plain hurts a bit, please take courage in this thought at least: You are a part of a tiny minority of people on planet earth, a minority that increases the likelihood that someday, quicker than most, you’ll be standing in the proverbial sun, the glow of satisfaction radiating from you.
And what’s the nature of that minority? You are among those who seek for answers to life’s challenges. Most don’t. They simply live under the weight and burden of their difficulties, wishing things were better, maybe trying to change things, but never taking action to learn new ways of climbing the mountain called life.
So whether here at Meant to be Happy or elsewhere, keep looking, keep searching, keep reading, keep learning, keep growing. And in that process, life will fill with a greater sense of joy.
Nice meeting you Connie, and welcome to M2bH!
I am very thankful for your article, but I am struggling with something that I feel is too big for me to deal with.
After six years of living abroad I moved back to my home country.
Whether I have changed or the country has, I don’t know, but it feels like people on a day to day basis just don’t respect each other anymore.
Teenagers that just push you aside, no “please or thank you’s” to be found, very much a me-myself-and-I attitude. The parents are as much the offenders as the children are. Even the grandparents. I have witnessed rudeness from an eldery lady. I was stunned.
I feel so horrible about the situation. I miss the attitude I got used to over the past years: one of happiness and optimism and especially friendliness.
Over the past six months I have practised nothing but kindness, friendliness and optimism. And yes, people do react to that, but as soon as you are in the car or on your bike or in any other anonymous spot, it is the same story again. “I won’t use my blinker, cause it is too much trouble”, “I won’t let you go first, cause I am in a hurry”. Stuff like that.
I call it a lack of respect for other living beings.
Trying to talk to other people about it makes them feel very offended (it might be I am just too passionate about this) but I try not to make it personal, more a general thing. And I am aware it is not the people that are horrible, it is their behaviour.
And many people agree, but just think nothing can be changed.
I would love it if their behaviour could change, so we can make this a nicer world. A friendlier world. One where we help each other, just because we can.
Any tips for a desperately seeking positivity person?
So sorry for the delayed reply, Eveline. I experienced the same things back a whole bunch of years ago after returning home from a two year stay in Taiwan. The first thing I noticed was how rude and impatient and inward-focused people were back home. If you haven’t already experienced what I did, just hang in there because what happens, is we get accustomed to the new norm. It was so striking when you got home because the norm was somewhere else with a different culture. This will become the new norm shortly, if it hasn’t already since you first commented.
The change we can have is to continue doing what you’re doing, perhaps not so much talking about it as much as being you, unjaded, loving, kind, respectful. Let your life shine so brightly in how you treat others that they have no option but to smile and be kinder and respectful.
I did this with one woman who always snarled and grimaced at everyone. I decided to make her my project. So everyday I would shout out my most chipper greeting and ever day she would scowl at me. I kept it up for nearly half a year. During Eater/Spring break, I didn’t pass by her house, so never saw her. Mind you, to this point, I had never seen ANYTHING but her dirty look. After break, I waled by her place again. She stopped me and said how much she had missed seeing me those weeks. After that, she always smiled and greeted me. That’s the change you can instigate.
sounds like a great way to get people to start repressing what they are truly feeling and push them further along the road to drug use, alcoholism, or suicide (the things that people do when they get sick of pretending that they are not offended, rather than taking some time to acknowledge their true feelings and explore why they are there as a means of moving through them). it all looks great on paper, though.
Come now, don’t be shy. Tell me what you REALLY think!
Okay, where do I start?
Some people are easily offended. It’s like walking on egg shells around them. They get bent out of shape over tiny infractions or worse, over nothing at all, over perceived slights and imagined wrongs.
But there are also people who let things slide off their backs, who don’t even think twice about even intended offenses. They don’t repress anything. They simply are not bothered in the slightest over things the hyper-sensitive get enraged over.
Why?
The bottom line is not that those who are not easily offended “feel their pain” then move on or, on the other hand, repress their “true” feelings. The bottom line is that some people simply think very differently about life, themselves and others. This article has NOTHING to do with getting people to feel their pain to get past that particular emotional challenge.
Rather, it’s about learning to see life differently, think about things differently, to no longer be so easily offended. That would hardly lead to all the dire ends you so darkly predict. For those who are easily offended (the title of this article, by the way), it would be impossible for them to “feel” their true feelings and work through them when everything under God’s sun offends them. They would be emotional wrecks. They ARE emotional wrecks.
There are ways of actually changing what we feel about events or sets of circumstances. It’s not repressing your feelings if by changing how you think about things, you no longer feel that way.
It’s emotional immaturity to demand the “right” to feel what they feel if those feelings are damaging spouses and children and making life a living hell for those who are doing all the egg shell walking.
True, they can go deep into their pasts and uncover events or situations that have created the emotional sensitivity in the first place. But that’s not the only way to get past the hyper-sensitivity. And in many cases, it’s not even enough. Many people have grown up getting angry easily. They’ve developed deeply entrenched habitual ways of responding to life, perhaps over decades. Addressing past feelings won’t be enough in such cases. They will need to learn new habitual responses, new ways of approaching life. THAT’S what this post was all about.
Hope that clarifies. If not, would love to hear where you think my thinking is off target. Perhaps a direct assault on the ideas presented would be more effective than a sarcastic generality? Look forward to any challenge you may have.
hi ken – i appreciate the dialogue, and my response was not sarcastic. also it is difficult to have this kind of dialogue without generalizing, as including each person on the planet earth on an individualistic level is not possible, and because most of us are not as unique as we would like to think we are. i also stand by my previous assertion that trying to get people to “get over it” and simply not be who they feel that they are is one of the things that leads many of us into more darkness. i will agree with you that as we mature, many of us naturally move out of being easily offended by others because the opinions of others tend to be less important to us. however, mature people tend to have the self knowledge and life experience to be ABLE to not take what others say to heart all the time. i think people who are easily offended are not asking others to walk on eggshells or making the world responsible for them. rather, they are calling the people in their lives to be more conscious of how they interact – something that is infinitely more useful than telling people to simply not be offended.
i also disagree that people who are easily offended tend to be offended by “everything”. they tend to be offended by comments that suggest that there is something wrong with them (i.e. comments about how they look, their life choices – however negative or positive, their ethnicity or culture, etc.). when we make “helpful” suggestions to others or comments that suggest that there is something wrong with their beingness, we are really communicating: “you would be better if you were more like me.” rather than asking people to be more like you, or to forget all the other emotions god purposefully gave them (as god does not make mistakes – regardless of what we as humans may feel on a personal level) why not ask those who are offensive to become more conscious about the things they say to people? over the years, i have learned that i do not have the “right” to impose my worldview on others. it is beneficial, however, to express my opinion and enter into meaningful dialogue with another person if they feel offended by what i have said, as we are both “right” according to the events that lead us to have the individual viewpoint to begin with.
should we just subscribe to the “don’t be so sensitive” attitude when muslims get offended when non-muslims want to make jokes about terrorism in front of them? when black people get offended when white people want to wear blackface and continue to use the word “nigger” in everyday conversation? when women want to speak out about their right not to hear people making jokes about rape? when native americans do not want to see the sacred symbols of their culture displayed on people’s underwear or footwear as a fashion statement? when brazilian people don’t want non-brazilians to make prostitution jokes around them? when fat people don’t want to be ridiculed because of their weight? when anorexic people don’t want to be ridiculed for their weight? when white people (americans )don’t want to be made to feel guilty due to the sins of their ancestors? when retarded or handicapped people don’t want to hear jokes about their natural state of beingness?
this list could go on for DAYS. perhaps what is being asked is for people to become more conscious about how they speak to one another, rather than “maturing” out of their natural feelings.
Awesome response. Thanks for the willingness to continue with this. The sarcasm was in the tone, not the message. “Sounds like a great way to get people to …” is what I was referencing. No big deal though. I can wane sarcastic myself. It can be a powerful way to make a point.
But I see human nature differently than you do, evidently. I don’t believe people mature by virtue of their aging. I know plenty of very immature, self-centered, negative, sour and thin-skinned adults. I think emotional maturity is something that’s acquired something akin to muscles or knowledge. It’s something worked at, developed and sought after. Some may mature by virtue of their life experiences, but not everyone responds to those experiences the same way. One event can cripple one person and empower another. And it’s not so much about “getting over it” as much as changing perceptions and building character to the point that there’s truly nothing to get over.
And here’s another question. Is our thin-skinned-ness “who we are”? Or is it a way we’ve learned to respond to situations?
I think we have very different ways of seeing things here too where you say, “i think people who are easily offended are not asking others to walk on eggshells or making the world responsible for them. rather, they are calling the people in their lives to be more conscious of how they interact – something that is infinitely more useful than telling people to simply not be offended.” But by calling others to live more conscious of how they interact IS asking them to change the way they speak and interact with them. That IS asking them to walk on eggshells if they are hyper-sensitive. You see, there are two ways to go through life. We can look within and learn and grow and take responsibility for our thoughts and emotions and reactions. Or we can try to get others to bend to our sensitivities. I think the former is empowering and happiness-inspiring. I think the latter is the recipe for our happiness to be forever at the mercy of other peoples’ moods and behavior. That’s a state of dependence and emotional self-imposed slavery.
You do make a good point in making a distinction between those who are easily offended being easily offended by CERTAIN things rather than taking offense at EVERYTHING. But I hold to my premise that those who are easily offended over everything or only certain things are still at an emotional disadvantage. Just as someone who is plagued by the fear of failure by definition limits their opportunities in life, so someone who is easily offended, no matter how narrowly tailored are limited in their happiness.
You claim that God doesn’t create mistakes. True. But is God responsible for the way we were raised, what we think, our attitudes and behaviors? Do we have free will? Can we start with a good thing and tarnish it? If so, then we can END UP with something far from perfect, very flawed and even broken. To celebrate something that’s broken as whole is to keep the thing broken. Only when we recognize and accept that something is incomplete can we fill it in with the missing pieces. There are real people living in real misery because of very messed up ways of thinking, believing and behaving. To call these wonderful and perfect and good and whole is to freeze them int he still life of their misery. So being more like me or someone else is not the point at all. The point is to be more free of the self-limiting characteristics we sometimes impose on ourselves ans more often had imposed on us from childhood, but that we’ve retained and adopted and internalized.
Besides, that our emotions are God-given doesn’t address the issue either. My hands are God-given, but I can use them to lift and shape and climb and build or I can use them to kill and torture and rape and murder. The existence of the emotion isn’t the issue. It’s the degree and frequency and circumstances that make the emotions reasonable or self-defeating and quality-of-life destroying.
You speak of asking others to be less offensive. That’s fine. There are genuinely people who are offensive and we have every right to approach them to urge a change in their gruff and insensitive communications. But that’s going beyond what this article is about. Again, the title tells all. It’s about hyper-sensitive people, not people offended by hyper-rude people. If a rude person offends us, then the offense can be justified. But the article isn’t about squelching our reasonable offenses over genuinely rude behavior. It’s about those whose lives are hampered and distressed over their hyper-sensitivity.
And here’s another area of disagreement: Suppose two hikers took different routes up the side of a mountain. One ended up on a peak that was not the summit. The other made it to the true summit. At the bottom of the mountain they may both argue about who made it to the summit. The path that they each took may very well have taken them to the only place they could have ended up in. But that doesn’t change the location of the summit. Likewise, our perceptions of others motives and meanings may have been defined by the paths that brought each to the misunderstanding, but that doesn’t mean both are right about how words are interpreted. Learning to more clearly see reality is an important part of our personal growth. Having a “right” to think or see or believe or feel something is separate from whether that’s the best or happiest or even the accurate way to see, think, believe and feel. Out feelings are largely the natural consequence of the way we think and believe about life and ourselves and others. To change how we feel about a situation, we would first have to change what we think about it. That’s where we can have so much influence over our long-run feelings.
Your list of scenarios over which you have thought I suggested we should not be offended or hurt is not the scenarios that fit into the title of the article. That is not hyper-sensitivity. For a person who is seriously overweight to be hurt by someone calling them all kinds of fat slurs is nothing related to what I’m talking about. My article does not apply to nay of those examples. It is for those whose happiness is compromised because the OVER-react to situations. Pain felt as a result of indecent people hurtling sharpened insults at the most sensitive parts of us is not hyper-sensitivity.
Okay, I better stop here. Would love to continue this if you feel inclined. I think this kind of conversation is important, if for no other reason than making me clarify.
Truly appreciated.
PS: Too long to proof-read, so forgive if I’ve rambled too much!
[...] tips on handling too much sensitivity, go to: http://meanttobehappy.com/10-ways-you-too-can-stop-being-so-easily-offended/. Digg Diggvar dd_offset_from_content = 60; var dd_top_offset_from_content = [...]
hi Ken – i appreciate the response. i guess we are not on the same page about who we are speaking about. in my experience, it is precisely the scenarios that i mentioned that are typically called into question by those doing the offending. i am not sure about what you mean by “offended about everything” as my list is surely included in “everything.” also, i would say that the world has been created with all aspects of humanity for a reason, and that the ultimate purpose for existence is not simply to be “happy.” i am not really clear about what you mean by “hypersensitive.” as an african american woman, i have often been urged ( ONLY by white people ) not to be so sensitive about the thoughtless things that white people tend to do to or say about black people (since THEY: do not have an issue with white people wearing black face, don’t see any problem with the use of the “n”word, don’t see “color”, don’t get why slavery still affects all americans today, don’t perceive institutionalised racism, don’t understand why black people are up in arms over trayvon martin – etc., that I shouldn’t either). i have often had it suggested to me that i am somehow weak, thin skinned, or hypersensitive because i find these things hurtful and offensive. the suggestion is that, because i get angry sometimes or feel hurt by these things, there is something wrong with how i perceive the situation, rather than the situation being one that i am allowed to disagree with emotionally.
i believe your suggestions are coming from a pure place, and acknowledge that it is often the simplest answers that we ignore ( i.e. the way toward world peace is for everyone to stop fighting). they would be great suggestions if everyone was somewhat one dimensional or cut from the same cloth. but we are not. usually when i see a woman getting offended over something her boyfriend said to her, it is symptomatic of a deeper issue within the relationship.generally when i hear stories about a “quiet kid” or a “good student who had lots of friends” walking into a
school and shooting people, it is because he/she felt “offended” by something life had to offer and did not feel free to acknowledge and move through those feelings. my point is that just because you or i do not think something is a big deal,does not mean that everyone should think that way. we also must look at where a person is starting from to determine whether or not their feelings are ultimately leading them to greater growth and maturity or into a brick wall.
your suggestions are pure and do serve a purpose for those who are basically stable and probably do not require much help to begin with. but for those who are truly struggling with what you may deem as “hypersensitivity” or “thin-skinned-ness” the suggestion to simply not be offended or to use the rational mind to reason away offense may not be beneficial.
as a nurse, i have witnessed many people harming themselves for reasons that i could not understand or even wanting to kill themselves (or others) for reasons that i (who had already outgrown being deeply hurt by such things) perceived as minor at best. i then began to realize that perhaps these people were not “wrong”in their perceptions. perhaps they were simply at a different level of understanding about how they relate to the world and other people than i. perhaps they needed to experience some deep discomfort for the purpose of growing into something more, or die trying. at this point, on the rare occassion that i see that i have offended someone (and i rarely do because i do not make to many comments about anyone’s appearance, culture, religion, family that could be construed as anything but positive) i ask them why they were offended and we talk about it for clarification. after growing to more deeply understand the complex emotional aspects of our humanity, i have come to realize that the solution is often not to develop a thicker skin (as this is generally code for emotional repression rather than emotional growth).
i have taken this so personally because i have, at many points in my life, witnessed “happy”people ( who i later discovered were alcoholics, child molesters, drug users, narcissists, closeted gay homophobes – you name it) instructing those they perceived as hypersensitive to just become more thick skinned. i do believe your heart is in the right place when you give these suggestions. i am just not sure if it is meant for people who are not 1 dimensional (not a sarcastic statement, but a heartfelt one).
also, it may seem that the world’s “darkness” is “wrong” because it makes us uncomfortable. but god did include this in his creation of all that is, so perhaps it is not wrong from his perspective. you are correct – he did give us free will. perhaps the fact that we disagree with what someone else is doing or how they feel does not make them “wrong” or broken and in need of fixing. perhaps they are doing god’s work too and it is not up to those of us who are uncomfortable with what they are doing to tell them that it is not right. from this perspective, i can agree with your tactics for avoiding people who make you uncomfortable (or hypersensitive people). i am still trying to think of some offenses that would prompt me to think someone is “easily”offended (as the ones in my previous list are the types of things that i generally witness others being offended over and then urged to just develop a thicker skin), but i can’t think of ANY! anyway, thanks for the dialoge.
Just as all apples are fruit but not all fruit are apples, so being too offended doesn’t mean we should never be offended. Being offended in everything would include those things you listed. But not everything is those things. In other words, people with thin skin certainly would be offended by racial slurs and the like. But they would also be offended by the guy who pulls onto the freeway going 3 miles an hour slower than they think the merging driver should be going. They are offended when a neighbor doesn’t say “hi” or a family member doesn’t take a slice of their pie at a family reunion. They get bent out of shape over big AND little things. The problem isn’t that they get offended by the offensive things, but that they ALSO get offended by the inoffensive things. They read offense into too much, where offense wasn’t intended and where most people wouldn’t have thought twice about it. Their relationships are strained and mechanical because those who interact with them are afraid to say much of anything for fear of once again being taken the wrong way. My article wasn’t written to excuse bad and rude behavior from reasonably offended people. It was to point those people who are tired of bending their relationships to the point of breakage and want to figure out how to change themselves, to grow, to learn how to stop being so EASILY offended.
As for being one-dimensional, I don’t believe anyone is. All people are multi-dimensional. It’s easy to claim someone to be one-dimensional because they don’t have the dimensions I have or see things in a particular area of life as complex as I do. There’s no way to know if someone is thin-skinned by watching them as a nurse or from a narrow window of opportunity into their lives. The pain, the circumstances, the history with the family member, it’s all beyond our ability to see. I’m not judging anyone as hyper sensitive. Rather, I’m offering those who suspect or know they are a set of ideas that can help them change if they no longer want to continue down that self-defeating road.
I agree with you that just because I don’t think something is a big deal, that therefore no one else does or should. But then you say this: “we also must look at where a person is starting from to determine whether or not their feelings are ultimately leading them to greater growth and maturity or into a brick wall.” Exactly. I’m not pointing at you or anyone in particular. But those who self-describe themselves as overly sensitive, who fly into a rage over spilled milk (literally or figuratively), they decide whether there are brick walls in their lives they keep running into and choose to use the tips I provided to achieve some of that emotional growth. Growth requires something of us. It doesn’t happen for having recognized a truth. We don’t say, “Oh, cigarettes are bad for me? Okay, I’m done with them.” Perhaps a very tiny minority of people can. Virtually all others struggle with the change. Many give up trying to change. And while tobacco is chemically addictive, rage and hyper-sensitivity can be just as addictive. There are even recovery groups for those addicted to impatience and anger, both being close cousins to hyper-sensitivity.
As for who my suggestions would help, I believe they would help anyone who put them to the test. But who would put them to the test? Perhaps you’re right that those who are otherwise generally emotionally stable would have the best results. But that’s because no article written by anyone on any subject is going to “cure” those with deep emotional problems. So of course they would have to seek professional help. A good diet rich in what nutritionists are calling Super Foods will help ward off cancer. But to use it as a cure for someone with cancer already is patently not sufficient. Competent medical help is needed. But that doesn’t mean the patient shouldn’t start eating foods that have cancer-fighting properties in the meantime. Eating healthy is not a one-dimensional piece of advice. It’s actually profoundly important advice. To medically eradicate cancer, then eat in ways that both fail to self-protect against free-radicals and eat foods that are actually linked to cancer is to be fool-hearty. So certainly someone with deep-rooted problems should seek professional help for their emotional cancer. But the diet of tips I provided to help beef up the emotional immune system can do wonders too.
No where do I talk of repressing feelings. Most of what I suggest are ways to change how we perceive things and therefore change (not repress) how we feel about them. It’s not pretending to see things differently. It’s to actually see them differently. Not all people are equally offended by the same things to the same degree. Well, what’s the difference? Sure, there are different backgrounds and histories. But what did those backgrounds and histories do? One thing they did was to create a way of looking at the world, ourselves and other. That framework is the context within which a particular offense is perceived as an offense. Sure, we can spend years going into the past, peeling away the layers of pain and figure out how we feel about mom and dad and all that. And there very well may be a place for that kind of traditional therapy. But I believe often that’s not needed, that we can change the “now” despite the “then.” Habitual emotional responses (no matter what they derive from) can be changed to more self-supportive, healthy and relationship-building responses. Delving into feelings is healthy, as long as we don’t stay stuck there or self-justify our emotional hypersensitivity because of those deep emotional cracks in our pasts.
There certainly are people who bury their feelings and act happy who below the surface are alcoholics and molesters and liars and narcissists and the like. But they aren’t happy people. They have the façade, but none (or little) of the substance. Don’t condemn cancer treatment because some people don’t respond to the treatment. Because some have fooled others into thinking they were happy, don’t throw the concept of happiness out the window.
I also agree that disagreeing with someone doesn’t necessarily make them wrong. But it doesn’t necessarily make them right either. There are happy people and there are miserable people. There are those who think and believe in ways that keeps them lonely, angry and depressed. The watch TV all day, do little, live for themselves, and fill their lives with trivial matters, watching soaps and celebrity shows or surfing porn sites all day and late into the night. There are others who are proactively engaged in changing the world, growing and accomplishing things that matter to them. They are living a life that is packed full of meaning and joy. There is a clear better and worse life to live here. To suggest that living in bitter hurt and angry offense is not as good as living with self-confidence, emotional independence from insensitive people and happiness seems odd. Not everything I disagree with is wrong, granted. But there are lives that need to change, that need to grow IF they are to have happier relationships, raise happier children and be happier themselves.
Horribly depressed people can still do God’s work. But I don’t think they can do it nearly as well as if they felt better. This is not to say that their emotional state is necessarily a sin. It’s just that I believe in a God who actually WANTS us to live happy lives. To live in angry bitterness, easily offended is to live with less happiness than is available for those who apply the tips I provided and learn and grow and become a bit more emotionally stable.
PS: I’m really enjoying this dialogue. Thanks so much for engaging me here!