“Bullying builds character like nuclear waste creates superheroes. It’s a rare occurrence and often does much more damage than endowment.” ~ Zack W. Van
Have you ever been in a relationship with an emotional bully? I have.
I once dated a girl who would fairly regularly yell or cry or call names almost every time I disagreed with her, even over silly non-issues. Any comment that was in any way at odds with her position was taken as a frontal assault. It was really quite remarkable. And frustrating.
Have you been there? Are you there now?
Bully is as Bully does
Emotional bullies are not happy folk. No bully is. Bullies are much more likely to come from less-than-ideal circumstances — a broken home, a single parent, alcohol addiction in the family.
Fear often therefore motivates the bully’s behavior. Insecurities plague the darker parts of their hidden hearts, so they try to control external conditions to keep their anxious insides from spinning out of control.
Inside, they are barely hanging on so they overcompensate by tightening their grip on everything (and often everyone) outside.
Or they push others around in a vain attempt at feeling better about themselves by comparison. But whatever the reason, the problem is that they create the very social context that undermines their relationships, emotionally isolating themselves even more, further reinforcing their insecurities and giving fuel to their fears.
Emotional bullies do the same thing for the same reason. But instead of hands, they use words (and volume). Instead of lunch money, they rob relationships of trust and kindness and respect and depth and maturity.
In the end, it’s not the reason bullies push and shove that makes them bullies. It’s the pushing and shoving itself!
Self-Awareness and the Emotional Bully
What are your arguments like? Are they calm discussions or are they punctuated by anger and rage and abusive words meant to hurt? Are you an emotional bully? Perhaps you suspect you may be, but are not quite sure.
We often go through life with blinders on, very aware of what others are doing, seeing “clearly” what motivates their behavior, while not so clearly seeing our own. Instead, we justify and excuse in ourselves the very same behavior we would never tolerate from others.
That being the all-too-frequent case, the following characteristics should provide insight into what may have largely been ignored until now.
The hope is that if you see the signs of being an emotional bully (even if only border-line or occasional), you take note, then take the proper steps in your personal growth to overcome tendencies that are likely putting stress and strain on relationships that can only bend so far.
Remember, self-awareness is the first step to an exciting life of emotional growth and happiness, even if the initial look in the mirror hurts.
15 Characteristics of Emotional Bullies
1. You Interrupt
When things get heated, your feelings and thoughts get pushed to the front of the line. The other person’s thoughts and feelings get pushed to the back seat or right out the door onto the street and into oncoming traffic.
You constantly interrupt and stuff your points down others’ throats. You don’t let them finish a coherent thought. You keep at it until they give in or give up and otherwise lie down and let you have control of the conversation.
But really, at that point no real conversation exists. One is doing all the talking (perhaps yelling) while the other is doing all the listening (or pretending to).
Still, you know you are right, after all, so why wouldn’t you be given control of the conversation, right?
The thing is, all emotional bullies have “good reasons” why they dominate disagreements. The reason is not what makes for an emotional bully. It’s how a fight is played out.
2. You Throw Fits
Anger is an effective way to control an argument. It allows you to avoid discussion, give and take, compromise and the vulnerability of seeing the situation from the other side, maybe even being wrong.
So just explode and be done with it! No need to negotiate. No need to discus. And if the person you start yelling at has a low threshold of tolerance for conflict or fears the escalation affecting the kids or neighbors, then throwing a fit is perhaps the best way to always get your way.
And that’s what bullies do, after all: They push and shove until they get what they want. The hard work of becoming the kind of person deserving of respect is traded in for the relative ease of instilling fear.
But fear has never been steady ground for building healthy relationships or personal happiness.
3. You Accuse and Blame
“You make me …” “You’re such a …” “You always …” “If you really loved me, you would …”
By leveling accusations (especially the unfounded or exaggerated kind), you effectively push your opponent into the corner. By blaming them, you remove the responsibility for trying to understand their position or playing by the Golden Rule from your shoulders.
When you see the person you’re arguing with as an opponent to be beat, someone you’re in battle with, rather than a partner working toward agreement, coming to a shared understanding, what’s said matters less than who wins—when in truth, nobody wins in such circumstances, at least not in the long-run.
This way, you can feel justified in taking some course of action a responsible person never would. After all, if it’s someone else’s fault; you’re not responsible; they brought this all on themselves; it’s their fault I’m blaming, accusing, interrupting or crying!
4. You Cry
For most people, crying is not likely a tool used to intentionally manipulating the outcome of a disagreement. At least not consciously.
The tears are often a learned response to stress or disagreement or confrontation. You interpret the disagreement as somehow a slap in your face and equate it with rejection. But crying can nonetheless manipulate a disagreement to your favor.
A bully who bullies because his parents bullied him is still a bully. So it is with chronic criers who use their tears to get their way (this does NOT mean that all chronic criers use their tears to end or control an argument. There are people who cry easily but allow their brains and values to determine the outcome of a fight, not their tear ducts).
5. You Arm Your Kids for Battle
This is a low blow even for full-fledged bullies. Putting your own kids in the way of emotional trauma is indeed a cruel thing to do. And yet many parents do it anyway. They use them as ammunition or as witnesses against their spouse.
When winning a fight is more important than protecting your kids from it, you have jumped head first into the thick moral mud of the bully. Only now you’re bullying the children as well.
6. You Yell and Scream
When you shout, you’re essentially saying, “Your thoughts and opinions are irrelevant.” Yelling over another person is the same as saying they have no right to speak, to express their unique opinion and point of view.
This is the equivalent of a verbal wedgie, except it’s your position that you’ve yanked up the other person’s crack.
7. You use Profanity
Cussing is an intimidation tactic. It insulates you from having to think. Depending on how the cussing is used, it helps you avoid the real issue. If the other person is a blanking son of a hipshooter, then, by flippin hockstockers, why listen to the bum at all?
Discredit the person by depersonalizing him or her as a flapjacketed goshomatic and the message he’s bearing no longer matters. Case closed. Bullied into a corner. Win!
8. You Tie their Tongue to Lengthen Yours
Have you ever been in a fight with your spouse, a boyfriend or the next door neighbor when they say, “Okay, okay! I don’t want to do this anymore! I’m done arguing, so just stop it!”
Then they continue arguing with the pause button on your mouth firmly pressed and no such restrictions on their own wagging tongues.
That’s the emotional equivalent of saying, “I’ll keep my lunch money … and I’m taking yours as well!”
9. You Slam Doors and Throw the Remote Control across the Room
This tactic for bullying your way deeper into what you want is only one step down from actual physical bullying. Throwing objects around the house, even if not at the person is still an act of violence. It’s intimidation. And it’s wrong.
If you feel the urge welling up inside, put yourself on timeout. Go cool off. Come back when the bullying impulse has disappeared and the adult has come back home.
If when you return, the urge to break something comes back, go cool off again, as many times as it takes to stay in control — of yourself, that is!
10. You Punish
This sort of passive aggressive behavior is meant to punish the other person into submission. And if this isn’t emotional bullying, nothing is!
You ignore, hang up and give the silent treatment. You let them know in no uncertain terms that they are (or soon will be) in the doghouse for daring to argue with you.
11. You Seek Revenge
Silent treatments and the like can be a sort of revenge, for sure. But revenge-seeking includes so much more as well.
Withholding sex, leaving chores undone, coming home late on purpose, going to the bar, moving out, even sustained anger can be used as a form of getting back at another person.
All such behavior is immature, selfish and mean-spirited. They are tactics of the bully and have to stop.
12. You Threaten
Have you ever threatened divorce, suicide or unfaithfulness during an argument? If so, as the self-appointed marital and relationship ref, I call foul!
Advanced emotional bullying practitioners will be familiar with the threat-card. It’s a powerful tool for getting what you want … and sometimes even more.
Those who are emotional bullies are usually those who have deep emotional wounds, tender and painful. The problem is that in their panic to hold on to something they feel has slipped (or is slipping) away, they do the very thing that loses the others’ respect, love and empathy.
It is self-sabotage. It is a self-inflicting wound. And trust is the blood the relationship loses as it drains from the open wound self-inflicted.
13. You Unbury the Dead
Do you reach back as far as you can go to make the point you want to make, dredging up what should rightly be left in the past?
Are you more concerned with winning the point than honoring the right to keep past mistakes that have long been overcome, stopped, corrected, made up for, repented of, buried there?
Are you more interested in beating your opponent into submission that honoring human decency?
People have the right to change. And once changed, to be treated as that changed person. Otherwise, you may win the battle, but at a tremendously high cost.
14. No one’s Feelings Count … (but yours)
If you have placed your heart in the position of being the lifeblood of your relationship, it becomes easier to justify bully tactics because your feelings are the only feelings to be considered in a fight.
But tears should never justify bad behavior. Feelings should never trump values and human decency. Anger can be communicated without viciousness. But if only your feelings count, then what you say in an argument and how you say it becomes irrelevant.
After all, it’s only your heart that matters, right?
15. Preemptive Anger
If your temperature gauge is always set at anger as your first response to, well, everything, you can successfully manipulate disagreements to your favor almost every time by virtue of your reputation.
Knowing how you will likely reply (because that’s how you almost always have) your partner may throw in the towel long before the main event even begins just to avoid an emotional slugfest.
A preemptive win, perhaps. But a huge personal development and relationship loss.
Now What?
The good news is that emotional bullies don’t have to remain emotional bullies. And while the steps to move away from emotionally bullying others in an argument may be difficult, those steps are very much worth the effort and the discomfort the effort will likely produce.
After all, the very reason emotional bullies bully is not being met by the bullying. Certainly not in the long-run.
While the reason one person will bully their way through an argument may be different from another, the long-term result is the same: another strain on yet another relationship, further pushing that relationship to the edge, sacrificing love and trust and compassion for another win.
So, what if you recognized yourself in one or more of the arguing styles above? Don’t worry. All is not lost. Happiness can’t be swallowed in one bite any more than an elephant can be. Just a bite at a time will do.
The following are some of those small bites to consider …
3 Ways to Stop Being an Emotional Bully
1. Accept the Whirlwind
For some, the idea of letting someone else “challenge” their opinion is tantamount to being kicked in the gut. It hurts. They feel their person, not just their position, is being ripped apart. They don’t differentiate between who they are and what they think about a given topic.
Their identity equals their opinion. One is the other. So when such a person’s opinion is challenged, they feel their very being is being challenged and invalidated. There is nothing left but self-defense. And so anger and shouting and cursing becomes the emotional means of circling the wagons while under attack.
The thing is, they’re not under attack. The person is not being ripped apart. No spears are being thrown at their very existence. They are just words. Opinions about a topic. An argument as an expression of two differing ideas, not the rejection of a person.
It might be scary. Still, walk into the openness of an open-ended disagreement anyway. Let the rush of uncertainty and unpredictability and even chaos wash over you. Allow it. Be curious about your growing anger or frustration or fear or anxiety.
Accept life as something bordering the chaotic, as terrifying as that thought may be to you. Let go of your grip on it. See where the discussion takes you.
Maybe it will reinforce the opinion you had to begin with. Maybe it won’t. Maybe you’ll compromise. Maybe you’ll find yourself convinced.
But where you end up on the other side of a disagreement is nothing to what the quality of the relationship is afterward.
Disagreements can be opportunities to nourish love, respect and mutual understanding or to poison such essential traits to a healthy relationship.
So value the relationship more than the emotional wall you’ve built. Because ultimately it’s the protective walls in our lives that keep others from getting inside of us. And when we keep others out, we undermine the very relationships we hope to provide us with the love we may have missed growing up.
2. Care more about the Person than the Win
As you enter a disagreement and the pulse starts racing, stop and tell yourself that they too have a right to disagree, that they can disagree with your position without discounting or discrediting or invalidating you as a person. Remind yourself that to the degree they disagree with you, you are in fact also disagreeing with them.
This cognitive acceptance is an important first step to emotional acceptance. And often (over time), holding this kind of dialogue with yourself is enough to open your heart as well.
3. Take it a Step at a Time
Don’t push yourself faster than you can go. But don’t use your comfort zone as an excuse to stay put and make everyone else pay the price of your insecurities. Own them. They are yours. Not your spouse’s or your kids’ or your friends’ or anyone else’s.
They may have been ingrained by someone in your past, but even they don’t own them today. You do. Never justify making someone else pay the price of keeping your insecurities safe and well-fed.
Begin today to see life from the vantage point of another persons’ perspective. You’ll be amazed at the broadening of your own.
Short Term vs. Long Term
So often, when we find ourselves acting the role of the emotional bully, we are thinking very short term, right now, this fight, what I want this moment. We are effectively third graders using adult words to express adult themes in extremely immature and self-defeating ways. We should know better.
And, in fact, we often do. Perhaps you see yourself in some of the characteristics of an emotional bully, but feel you don’t really “use” the yelling or crying or anger as a “tactic” to win a fight as much as it is simply an emotional reaction in the moment.
Still, the reason or motive is largely irrelevant to whether the bullying is happening. Whether consciously planned or habitually acted out or emotionally and spontaneously reacted to, the behavior is what identifies a bully as such, not what’s in the bully’s heart.
Maturity and compassion requires something of us. It takes work. It demands internal growth. Sometimes it requires a good solid dose of humility to see what we’ve been hiding from. Sometimes it means getting on bended knee. Sometimes it means seeking professional or clerical help.
Fear and pain and a very thin layer of emotional skin can make dealing with the larger issue very scary. But there is a larger issue than the immediate argument. The larger issue is you. We are often our own worst enemies. We so often stumble over our own feet.
But the promise of peace at home, adults being allowed to be adults in their own homes, rationally discussing what has been emotional volcanic activity so far is a goal worth pursuing.
Besides, what’s the alternative? Keep shoving others into emotional corners, disallowing them a voice, preventing them from speaking their minds? Or fighting so hard to stop them from hitting you square in the heart of your insecurities with yet another onslaught of disagreement and challenge and opinion?
None of the alternatives lend themselves to happiness. So stop pursuing them. Exercise the courage to take a higher road.
Afterthoughts
Of course, it takes two to tango … and to argue. That’s a given. We all make communication blunders. We all bring baggage to every relationship we enter. But since we can never truly change someone else (they have to change themselves), I suggest starting with the only person we have any real control over.
Here’s the hope, the light that flickers at the end of what may appear to be a long and lonely tunnel: Often, when we choose to change, the relationship does too, sometimes in unexpected but marvelous ways.
Hold on to that thought as you begin the process of looking deeply in the mirror at your naked soul and seeking help to change.
Self-awareness can be a powerful thing. But whatever the next step is for you, please take it. Your relationships and your happiness very well may depend on it.
A Note to the Bullied
While this post is directed at the emotional bully, arming them with the power of self-awareness in hopes of igniting the desire to make some changes to their lives, their relationships and therefore to their happiness, I can’t leave the bullied out of the discussion altogether.
No one should ever live under the yoke of tyranny. The first thing a tyrant does when he ascends to power is to obliterate the free press, free speech and the right to assemble.
Those rights can’t end within the walls of a relationship. When voices are stifled, resentment replaces the words. When ideas and opinions are pressed down, other things get squeezed out, like love and passion and even self-respect.
But verbal communication is not the only way to communicate. If things are bad, try the written word. It may give the bully in your life time to think. Go slow and build from there.
Teach the emotional bully in your life the higher values of the right to speak your mind. Don’t shove it down their throat if you value the relationship, but don’t submit to silence either.
If even the written expression of your thoughts and opinions and disagreements keeps erupting in ugly confrontations, then it may be time to press for outside help (even if only for yourself), perhaps seeking inspiration from above and insight from a marriage and family counselor.
If that doesn’t work, there may be bigger decisions for you to consider that a person on the outside is ill-equipped to help you make. Still, freedom (where it is being seriously threatened) seems worth protecting even if at the expense of commitment to things like vows.
Final Word
I’ve laid down over 3,600 words in this post because I’m convinced emotional bullying goes on a lot more than most people think. I wanted to be fairly exhaustive in my discussion of a serious block to people’s happiness. Our relationships matter. They matter a lot.
My hope is that some of you will take to heart what I’ve written here, that lives will be reevaluated and steps taken to improve what may have been a festering sore in the happiness of your relationships.
YOUR TURN!
So, what do you think? Have a overstated the idea of emotional bullying? Have you seen signs of borderline emotional bullying in your own life? In others? And how have you handled emotional bullies you have encountered? This is a question I haven’t addressed here in the post, but would love to get some feedback, perhaps to use in a future follow-up post.
If you think others would benefit from reading this article, please share it using your favorite social media.
Photo by hang_in_there
This is a very powerful post. I’m glad you took the time to write about this because I feel this is something that is not addressed enough. Growing up, I have been a victim of emotional bullying or abuse from a parent. Since it is not something physical or even measurable, it is often brushed to the side. I’ve moved on and am now happily married with beautiful children, but reading this post brought back a lot of hurt memories of my mother. She is fortunately a different person now, at least from what I can see. But that still was quite a journey. But sometimes it’s hard to move forward because of what I went through with her growing up. I feared her immensely–she would manipulate situations, would make me feel worthless, explode, hardly ever smile at me or ever just in general, and would bring me into arguments with her and my father, and much more. I feel like this post was exclusively about my mother since it’s so accurate. I’m kind of going on a rant here, but I guess this just brought up a lot of raw emotion and memories for me. It took a very long time for me to forgive her, but sometimes i have days where memories flood my mind and i become angry again. Anyway, thanks for making me be more self aware. This is the last thing I want to become and I feel like I can be this way sometimes unfortunately. But this is a very helpful post to bring awareness to this horrible occurrence. This helps people understand that being bullied reflects the bully and their incapacity to deal with life and to not take it personally. Thank you.
Hi Sam,
Thank you so much for your openness here. You make such an excellent point when you say that the unmeasurable nature of parental emotional abuse makes it also more likely to be swept aside. That’s too bad. The damage that parents can inflict on their kids by the regular look of disregard or disgust can bore holes just as deeply into the psyche of the child as a backhand can.
You have done something many people coming from that kind of background have a very difficult time creating: a happy marriage. That’s something to feel deeply grateful for, Sam. AS for some of the old baggage purculating up into your current life. That’s to be expected. The real test is what we do with those feelings. Do we brush them aside or feed them or deal with them? Only dealing with them truly ends the emotional impact they continue to otherwise have on our ives, at least from time to time.
You might find an article I wrote for another blog interesting. It’s called 12 Ways to Forgive Your Parents for Doing Such a Crummy Job of Raising You. Follow the link over and see if it helps. I think it might.
So glad I was able to provide you with something that resonated and provided some insight into your past. The return of anger suggests you may still have some work to do in forgiving and accepting and even embracing (as odd as that may sound at first blush) your past.
Again, thanks for the comment, Sam. It means a lot to me that you felt you could share that story.
Not sure I agree about swearing (some people – both the swearer and swearee – are fine with it.
The rest I think is excellent.
Evan recently posted … Thinking and Critiquing Are Good
Hey there, Evan,
True, that’s why the way the cussing is used determines whether it constitutes emotional bullying. Also, whether one side accepts or uses the same langage doesn’t necessarily change the act. I can bully someone even if the bullied doesn’t realize I’m bullying. Admittedly, this is easier to contemplate in the abstract than come up with a specific example.
Here’s an example, I suppose: I can push a guy with the intent of bullying him, only to be met with his laughter and a pat on my back as he walks away, still chuckling. The fact that he had no idea what I was trying to do doesn’t mean I wasn’t bullying. I was just an ineffective bully.
So while I still say you’re correct that not all cussing is always emotional bullying, some of it is even if the bullied person isn’t responding to the attempted push to a corner.
Thanks so much for the comment, Evan. Always thought-provoking and always appreciated.
When I started the article I was thinking that I have been emotionally bullied and I would recognize the traits in the person who tormented me for so long. And I did. What I didn’t expect is that in all honesty I have done some of these things myself. I didn’t see that coming! I’m grateful to say that these behaviors are long past, but even so I didn’t even like seeing them even in retrospect. Very humbling.
Galen Pearl recently posted … Wonderfully Made
Hi Galen!
Mirrors are hard to look into sometimes, aren’t they? Especially when we don’t expect to see the pock marks of our pasts so clearly. But yes, I suppose most of us have experienced many of the examples to some degree or another at some time in our lives. I know I have.
But the best weaknesses to discover are the ones we used to have. They become testaments to our own growth and development. Such discoveries to me are moments to be celebrated rather than to feel shame and regret. Humbling, yes. But grateful we’re no longer there. So go celebrate, my dear friend!
I think you’d better grab a coffee, Ken. And settle down to read.
“If we had to tolerate in ourselves what we tolerate in others, life would be unbearable” is a beautiful quote. I forget who said it.
My Mom used to say nags are a kind of bully – and that all Moms (including me) tend to practice it at some point or other. Whenever one of us did it, and realized it, we would say “Cut the EB!” (EB = emotional blackmail) and burst out laughing because that was the domain of one particular family member. And the situation would suddenly become funny as we considered ourselves novices compared to that person.
I hate any form of disruptive argument – and prefer to sort things out amicably. I know my tolerance level is high and am often construed as being a sucker. It is just that I prefer to divert my energies to positive and productive stuff and at the end of the day, my mind is clear. And I am glad my son, who is considered a softie, is a serene sort of chap who does not believe in picking up fights or arguing to get his own way.
There are people who just don’t want to listen because they’ve already concluded who is right (they are, of course) and go through the motions of “discussion”, getting more and more impatient when they have to “give”. It is like reasoning with a wall. These people can get annoyed at just about anything and they’re champs at the blame game. Very frequently, they are more to be pitied than censured – because of their own unresolved issues.
Ah, tears. I have a niece who drives us nuts using tears to get her way – the moment things are just the way she want its, those tears magically dry up.
No.5 is terrible. It scars some children for life and gives them all the wrong messages. Growing up – it shapes the belief system and drains the self-esteem.
No.7…hmmm. learning points
.
No.9 is quite disgusting – and when I see it in the movies, I always worrying about who’s going to clean up the mess – emotional and real
But of all the points, Ken, you’ve hit the nerve with 13. People always see others the way they want and not the way they are. They accuse them, and then, when they change, won’t treat them accordingly. I suspect that since being decent won’t come naturally to them, they like to freeze the situation at the point where they can continue to bully. But then, when it is all about them, that’s hardly surprising.
In our family system, the elders always tend to bully the young to some degree or other. In many cases, it is just that they sound that way, but this is interpreted somewhat negatively and builds up over time – making the elder come across as an arrogant bully and the young, without reacting outwardly, festers inside and finds ways to rebel. They assume the elder is trying to control them. I’ve gone through this – but somewhere in my teen years, was lucky to have a cousin talk to me – his father was feared – and was surprised to find the elder actually quite friendly. I realized it wasn’t their fault that the younger people did not speak up. Raising voices in anger is not encouraged at home because louder voices are not automatically right.
This reminds me of how my son tackled bullying in school. Apparently one day, when it got to be too much to bear, he asked the bully if he was through and done with what he wanted to say and asked him, “Are you feeling better now? Then I am okay with it. Because one of us has to benefit, right?” Over the course of the week, the bullying stopped. As you rightly said, being quiet simply encourages the bully.
Bullying is a serious issue that, ironically, cannot be solved by fighting!
Phew. Great, powerful post, Ken. Quite the pillar!
Hugs. Vidya
Vidya Sury recently posted … Attract Happiness With Zen Tips
Haha! Well, since you worked your way through my 3,000+ word behemoth, you won the right to write anything you would like to write as long as you would like to write it!
I wish I would have included nagging to the list! Thanks to you (and your mom!) for bringing that up. But it’s so true. Once we’ve made our desires clear, to keep nagging someone is to push them into doing it on our schedule.
I’ve known quite a few walls I’ve tried to reason with. And I agree! So frustrating.
Your whole comment is just awesome, and I thank you so much for sharing your experiences, Vidya. But above all, I absolutely LOVE the story of your son’s response to the bully at school. His words should be memorized by every child and practiced until fluent. Just perfect! What a courageous and yet kind, gentle and noble way to deal with bullying!
Thanks for being your absolute awesome self, Vidya!
Hugs back atcha!
when we put this criteria in mind many people turn out to be emotional bullies
people should stop doing that because it causes more harm than good
emotional bullying is as bad as bullying and am happy you notified people about it ken
farouk recently posted … Why do men and women see colors differently
Thanks Farouk. Emotional bullying in the ways I’ve talked about here, especially as they apply to disagreements within close relationships, becomes such a difficult hurtle to get past as people try to create loving relationships that serves their happiness and the healthy development of their children and their own personal progress.
Ultimately, it’s a sign of respecting their own perceived needs at the expense of the other person’s. It’s serious and needs to be addressed.
Thanks again for stopping by!
Ken:
You’ve done it again. Amazing post. In answer to your question of how people have dealt with these behaviors in others, I thank my wife for pointing out some of these things in me. I went cold turkey on cussing a while back. I found it easier to try to completely eliminate those words from my vocabulary than to just try to stop using them when things got heated. I’m so glad I did that. Now I feel there is no need for those words (they seemed useful to me for many years – in fact, decades.) And I feel that my stamp on the world is a better one now. That’s one example.
Thanks again.
Best regards,
David
David J. Singer recently posted … Thanksgiving Gratitude After Sandy
Thanks David. That’s funny, my wife says that about me all the time!
What a great point you make. It’s precisely in the heat of the moment, that our worst communication habits can bite us hardest. But swearing just doesn’t do anything for a rational, caring response to differences of opinion.
Thanks so much for that example, David. Makes it a lot easier to steer your kids in that direction too.
PS: Hey David, I gotta apologize to you. I had misplaced your book and couldn’t find it for several months (or so) and just recently found it at work (just two days ago, I think). I had forgotten that I took it there to finish the last couple chapters. So anyway, just letting you know I haven’t forgotten or dismissed you; just embarrassed I couldn’t find it for so long! Shouldn’t be long now before I get it reviewed here. I have several posts lined up, but I’ll let you know when it goes live.
Ken,
Thanks so much for your note. Gave me a chuckle.
That’s great. Looking forward to it.
Best regards,
David
David J. Singer recently posted … New Habits After Sandy
I thought it might!
What an amazing post. I found this blog seeking some reasons to why I’m feeling so hypersensitive right now (again). I’m more self-aware than I was yesterday, but I seem to backslide from time-to-time. When my emotions take the wheel, I get off course.
I don’t mean to be an emotional bully, but I learned from the best! LOL. In my relationship, I’ve had to set boundaries because of my partner’s jealousy. But I’ve taken things a bit far, to the point that I’ve put the gag on him almost completely, even when he just wants to express his thoughts. The pendulum has swung from me taking the healthy step of ensuring he owns his own thoughts and feelings to lashing out at him for “making me crazy” with his jealousy.
Thanks for this. It’s been really helpful. There’s no right or wrong here, other than ensuring that I’m aware of when I’m trying to be “right!”
Thanks so much for saying so Crystol!
I’m just thrilled you found something of value here. Looking clearly into our own souls can be a little disheartening at times, right? But self-awareness is the critical first step to personal growth and I’m so happy you’re taking steps in that direction.
It’s a challenging process but can be so thrilling if we approach it with the right attitude. Some people condemn themselves into it with lots of self-abuse. But to explore ourselves and move forward with an anticipatory attitude of exploration and discovery, almost like we’re exploring a new land, overcoming it’s sometimes hostile landscape, climbing mountains and forging a new path, then personal growth becomes a challenging adventure instead.
On another note, jealousy can be extremely difficult to deal with. It is such a draining expression of insecurity imposed on the partner. Boundaries are important to set (assuming the jealousy isn’t the result of behavior that encourages it). But I’m so glad you see the need to scale back the lashing out.
So pleased the post provided some help, Crystol. Hope to hear how things improve over time.
Oh my God I wouldn’t picture myself that today I got 2 know that I’m an emotional bully… such a recognition…
Gabi recently posted … Esztétikai fogászat: egy sikertörténet
Haha! We do walk through so much of life with blinders on, don’t we! Sometimes it takes someone else to hold the mirror up for us to recognize something off balance in the reflection. Glad to be the mirror holder if it means a happier relationship because of it!
Nice post. You put a lot of work into it and it shows.
I often think about something which ties in with the themes of your article and that’s the idea that your actions give the other person a green light to behave a certain way. Take for example, 6 and 7;
Lets say that you are using profanity or raising your voice to dominate yourself over someone. By doing this yourself that person will now feel vindicated to respond in the same manner. This is why arguments escalate so quickly. You raise your voice, they raise their voice, you raise it louder etc etc.
This goes on until the less dominant of the two feels intimidated and has to stop.
This can spread to any area where your behaviour may influence someone else. Relationships, at work, in your social group etc etc.
jamie flexman recently posted … Retail is evil – Why I gave up my job
Love the point you make, Jamie!
It’s so true that once we violate rules of civil discourse, it gives a sort of implied permission for the other to do likewise, and sometimes even justifying upping the ante. Of course it doesn’t really, but we human folk are so good at justifying next steps. But anger added to anger does not a good relationship make!
And it certainly does apply to every relationship. Thanks for showing up and making that connection, Jamie. Much appreciated!
What a great post, Ken.
After being bullied in my younger life, I swore to myself I wouldn’t be that person. I’ve read your article and am happy to say I’m quite the opposite. I don’t bully others.
I also see bullies for what they are because I’ve had a lot of experience dealing with this sort of thing. The only thing I disagreed with is the fact that some bullies come from very privileged backgrounds. They’re so accustomed to having what they want, that they bully others in order to maintain this sort of lifestyle.
When mum and dad are no longer there to give them their way, they seek it through bullying.
Many people with my background (whom I’ve met) are trying desperately to get away from emotional bullying in their lives because they know the damage it can do.
I didn’t get to the end of the post, so will have to come back to finish it.
Anne recently posted … How Flexible Are You
You’re so right, Anne, many bullies do come from privileged backgrounds. Still, the stats do suggest that more often than not, they don’t. Be either way, bullying can’t be tolerated. People simply have a right not to be pushed around. I experienced some bullying in elementary school as well. It’s not fun, to say the least.
The bully and the bullied have diminished lives of limited happiness. But the bully is responsible for extending any misery he or she feels to others. I guess that’s why I wrote this post, to shine a light on its importance in hopes that some (or lots!) will see the damage they may be imposing and make some changes.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience, Anne!
Thanks, Ken, for taking the time to respond to my comment personally. That’s remarkable!
Working through my partner’s jealousy issues has made me a better, more accountable person. It isn’t easy, but we made a pact to work very, very hard on this relationship and are succeeding beyond my expectations. But being a highly emotional person, I need to be careful to avoid pendulum swings, which I think can lead to emotional bullying. I feel deeply and strongly, but am still learning how to choose what I do with my feelings that doesn’t involve lashing out or the opposite, burying them. Bullying occurs from reacting in the moment without prudence and without thought and is expressed as an attempt to control someone else’s feelings when you can’t (or won’t) control your own. I desire to be different, to vent/feel in a controlled way, and I know I’m fully capable. I just need ongoing practice in real situations. I’ve discovered I can articulate well my understanding of self-awareness, self-mastery, contentment, etc., but require further work to live what I understand.
Thanks again for so many great articles!
So I just got to kno that I am an emotional bully… so what?:)
Anna recently posted … A hiányzó fogak pótolhatóak
Haha! Nothing, I suppose, if being an emotional bully is something you’re fine with.
Kidding aside, I really do think most of us want to live better lives, be better people, more loving, kinder, more decent. Overcoming the tendency to emotionally bully others is a huge step in that direction.
I knew that my husband of some thirty odd years was passive-aggressive, but I never likened this behavior to bullying. I regret having spent too many years with him in an effort to discuss, argue, gain understanding, and work through our difficulties; but nothing ever worked because he would not allow himself to be transparent. Nothing I ever said made sense to him or, according to him, I never stated things correctly. If I dared to express myself, I would get the endless silent treatments, never knowing what I had done or why. If he couldn’t bully me personally, he would remove my things from the garage and place them where black widows would infest them or place his heavy tools on my workout bench. He would continuously “drop” and leave my shower gel and the like on the bathtub floor. In addition, there were too many times throughout our relationship where he would put me in the path of harmful bug spray, or where I would find a long nail on the side of the bed where I slept. He had secret bank accounts and I would discover money and checks in places hidden around the house. We would be freezing or boiling, in the house, depending upon the weather, and he would refuse to replace the heating/air-conditioning unit. He made more than enough money to replace them. Instead, he would carry around his personal space heater wherever he went.
According to him, there was always something wrong with me. So, our discussions and arguments mainly turned into circuitous frustrations. The last several years we were together were dotted with abusive-escalating behavior on his part, with screaming, threats of bodily injury to me, a threat of suicide, a bruise, throwing things, because I dared to no longer be bullied. I refused to shut the ____ up as he had screamed in my face and stated he was going to knock me through the _____ window. I was just plain tired of it all and told him so.
I separated myself from him, emotionally and physically by dwelling in a different part of the house. I was taking a stress management class which taught me about the cycle of abuse. I asked the prof if this separation could put a halt to the cycle and she stated that perhaps it could. So, I kept our relationship as close to the honeymoon stage as possible, until I was ready financially to make a move. This continued for approximately five years. Interestingly enough, much of the bullying was halted, except the occasional silent treatments, which didn’t matter (as he soon found out) because he was stewing alone. If he insisted upon discussing anything, I would leave the house, so as not to fall into a domination trap. I just wanted him to leave me alone. Once, I told him that he was trying to close the door to the barn after the horses had escaped. He said he was trying to gather them up and bring them home. So, I told him, “They didn’t want to come home.”
Our last resort was marriage counselling which he set up. When the counselor asked why we were there, my husband stated he wanted me back; I stated that I was done with the relationship and needed validation for how I felt. When he took his bullying into the sessions with lies and denials, my decision to separate was sealed. I felt there was no hope. I needed to be free for my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual safety. When the counselor would not be manipulated, he promptly stood and ended the sessions. I was emotionally twisted after realizing the extent he would go through to protect himself. He would never truly care about me nor the relationship. Thanks be to the counselor, however, who saw through his facade and lent validity to how I was feeling.
I only regret that I endured the endless silent treatments, manipulation, domination, and intimidation for so many years. It left me resentful, regretful and otherwise unsympathetic, uninterested and emotionally spent in terms of our marriage. Not only that, but I feared for my safety. His passive-aggressiveness left me in a continual fight or flight mode. When I told him I wanted a divorce, it wasn’t a threat or bullying; I meant it and I left only because he would not leave. The last straw was when he falsely imprisoned me in our bathroom by remaining in the doorway where I could not get out. This action, devastated my adult daughter who saw he had a small screwdriver hidden in his had (He had used it to unlock our bedroom door). After that, I (and my daughter) was gone in two months! The way he had dominated my self worth was over. I freed myself from tyranny and I have no regrets with regards to my decision.
My separation from him has been for eight months. It has been many years since I have felt such peace. However, your comments to Sam have caused me to face the realization that I need to pro-actively work through the resentments, regrets, fear, and anger I still harbor. I know the first step is forgiveness. I am still a work in progress. Thank you for this article. You are a very generous person, Mr. Wert.
eff johnson recently posted … How to Be Happy (in 10 steps!)
I’m so thankful you shared your story here, Eff.
Life is all about learning from the trials and challenges we are faced with and coming out on the other end something better than we were before. I don’t believe life or God arranges everything we experience, but that even those trials we create for ourselves and those imposed on us by others can be profoundly educational.
When we pick up on and digest these lessons, our adversities take on meaning and purpose. Then we can even learn to appreciate the lessons learned, even if not the way we went about learning them.
I’m so happy you were able to get out of an abusive relationship, Eff. That’s important for your daughter as well. It’s also important to talk to her openly about what happened and why it was critical to leave, that your self-respect prevented you from accepting the indignity of his abuse. Having seen what she saw and having grown up (to whatever age she was when you left) within that environment, there is an increased likelihood that she may duplicate the kind of relationship you had with your ex. It’s certainly not inevitable, but those conversations are important to have to validate her right to leave any relationship as she’s dating that start showing signs of bullying.
You’re a courageous woman, Eff. I appreciate that so much. I love that you tried to improve things to the best of your ability and when things grew intolerable, you made plans to protect yourself and your daughter. About having waited so long, just think of the things you learned and now the life that stretches before you. Filled with opportunity, certainly more challenges to learn from and a life of personal growth.
Congratulations, Eff. I wish you wonderful things for you and your girl as life unfolds around you!