“Give to us clear vision that we may know where to stand and what to stand for – because unless we stand for something, we shall fall for anything.” ~ Peter Marshall
It’s been said that courage is the point at which all other character traits are tested.
It’s also the point at which our private morality is pushed into the public sphere. It can be difficult to stand up for what’s right when it would be so much easier to shrink to the background of the moment.
Moral courage is the difference between those who stand and those who don’t.
What Would You Do?
What would you do if you saw a father humiliating his child in public? What would you say? Would you “butt in” where you weren’t invited? Or would you silently bite your tongue and turn away?
What would you do if you saw a teenager trying to steal from a store? Would you intervene? Would you alert someone? Or would you look the other way?
What if you saw someone beating his girlfriend in a parked car in front of your home? (this one actually happened) Would it move you to action? Would you defend her? Would you call the police? Or would you shake your head and pull the blinds?
What would you do if your friends started teasing someone for being “fat” or “ugly” or “handicapped”? Would you be willing to risk losing friends for doing what’s right?
Most of us will have opportunities like these to decide whether we will stand tall in the moment or sit on the sidelines – silent, passive, hoping someone bigger, stronger, better will step in for us to address the wrong.
Indeed, each moral dilemma begs a set of questions, urging us to decide: Do I get involved? Do I say something? Should I physically intervene? At what cost to me and family if I do? At what cost to society and to who I most fundamentally am at my core if I don’t?
These are not easy questions. But they are defining.
Society Needs You
Remember, a neighborhood is nothing more than the sum of its individual members. A society or culture is the organic outpouring of the way its citizens live and interact with each other.
“In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” ~ Martin Luther King Jr.
We don’t have to look very far to recognize the need to stand and be counted as a moral agent for good in a society that seems increasingly to have lost its way.
I’ve seen people push others around while the crowd looks on with indignant faces and immobile bodies. They say nothing. They do nothing. And another inconsiderate jerk gets taught yet again that people will let jerks get away with being jerks.
In an era of guns and bombs and gangs and wars, we’re understandably timid about interjecting ourselves into moral conflicts between people we know, much more so for people we don’t know.
But is the social price we pay too great for the personal safety we retain?
Edmund Burke said it most memorably when he said, “All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.” I would add that it’s easy for good men to do nothing when they sink their heads into the sands of blissful ignorance. You can’t take action against what you don’t know is happening, after all.
WWYD?
I recently saw a show called WWYD (What Would You Do) hosted by John Quinones on ABC. It’s an ethical dilemma series where undercover cameras are secretly planted at a public location and actors are hired to act out some morally objectionable scenario in public to see how bystanders respond.
The most interesting (and alarming) thing to me is that although some stand and speak out, most don’t. They felt uncomfortable, some even outraged, they confided in Quinones afterwards, but didn’t want to get involved or didn’t feel it was any of their business in the moment.
Is Public Behavior Private?
Self-respect and self-dignity should push us past the point of inertia. But in case you believe public behavior is not public business, here’s a clarifying question for you to consider: If your own child was being bullied (or worse), would you want others to stand and be counted, or stay out of it and mind their own business?
Ouch!
You see, there is no virtue in hoping others will stand up and help our own while we stay seated for theirs.
The test of one’s moral convictions is not in the safety of a questionnaire or in the sterile environment of a trial study, but in the field, in real life, when and where it counts. That’s where true moral courage is necessary. And it’s in those moments that standing up for what’s right can make a world of difference.
It’s Time to Stand!
“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” ~ Nelson Mandela
Such people who take a public stand for what’s right in such circumstances become the heroes we honor and celebrate.
But why? Why do we pay homage to those who take public stands against evil, who do what’s right in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds, who take their values and character to heart and into the streets to change things? Why do we hold people like Gandhi and Nelson Mandela and others up as worthy of emulation?
Moral Instinct
I believe it’s because something deep inside of us yearns for the noble and the good. We instinctively recognize the praise-worthiness of moral courage selflessly acted on behalf of another. We aspire to be like them even if our moral courage has not been exercised enough to compel us to take that stand. Regardless, we still recognize the rightness of it when others do.
“It is any day better to stand erect with a broken and bandaged head then to crawl on one’s belly, in order to be able to save one’s head.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi
We’ve all heard stories of rape victims being attacked in hallways where everyone behind closed doors heard the screams for help, but were too scared or indifferent to get involved.
Well, that sort of self-protective moral apathy to another human being is not the world I’m willing to help create, even if it means putting my life at risk to stand up and be counted at the most critical moment.
How about you?
No-Brainer Disclaimer: Sometimes standing to be counted means getting help from others or from the authorities. So be wise, but stand up. Also, I’m also not referring to vigilantism.
A Few Clarifying Questions:
• If everyone was the kind of employer or employee you are, how successful would the business be? How enjoyable would it be work there? How much work would get done? What would the corporate culture be like? How long would the business last?
• If everyone treated their spouse like you treat yours, how happy would marriage be? What would happen to the already-huge divorce rate? How would children be affected?
• If everyone treated their kids like you treat your kids, what would the world’s youth grow up to be like? How happy would childhood be? How confident and kind and free of fears would they be?
• If everyone lived life the same exact way you do, what would the world be like? What would people spend their time and money on? What kind of culture would we live in?
Afterthoughts
Standing for something can be hard when our convictions and sense of right is challenged in the real world where there are bad guys and people do some pretty shocking things. But imagine a world where no one stood up to those who inflicted pain. Imagine a world in which all people minded their own business, never stepping up to help someone being pushed around.
Now imagine a world where everyone stood up to be counted as their neighbor’s brother and sister, where people looked out for each other, had each others’ backs, whose love for you and me compelled them to risk their own security to enhance yours and mine.
Which society would you want to live in? Which one would you want to raise your kids?
Which one will you help create?
Stand and be Counted …
By sharing your thoughts in the comments below and sharing this post using your favorite social media to spread the message.
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Photo: Pixabay
Hi Ken,
Nice post and reminder about the importance of standing up for what we believe. It’s the right thing to do, but rarely easy. I do stand up for those in need when I can help., but haven’t interceded in violent situations except to call the police. The hardest choice for me (being both a pacifist and a tender heart who hates seeing people or children being bullied) is whether to get involved in a violent situation.
I must admit I’ve been at a loss as to what to do with parents verbally abusing their children. Again, I hate to see & feel what’s happening to the child, but is it my place to tell them how to parent?
Brad recently posted … The Power of Choice
Thanks Brad,
I personally haven’t been witness to many violent situations. And certainly sometimes the best thing to do IS to call the police. But I do remember one time when I was a teenager the scenario I mentioned in the article where the boyfriend was beating on his girl friend actually happened. My dad saw it first and immediately rushed out to confront the guy. He walked to the driver’s side and told the guy to come out and pick on someone his own size. The boyfriend immediately drove away (I think the car was still on). That left an impression on me.
You are in a tough spot being a pacifist and someone who feels for those being pushed around. Perhaps Gandhi would be a good example of someone who had both of those attributes. His was not so much an advocate of strict pacifism, but certainly of non-violence, or what he called satyagraha, or nonviolent resistance, literally meaning Truth-Force, as I understand it. His willingness to put himself in harms way to force a moral confrontation is, of course, legendary and led to the freedom of a nation.
While I’m not a pacifist (perhaps I’ll write a post on that one day?), I do believe that sometimes love and concern is the best confrontation. There was one time when my wife and I were eating out when a mother started belittling her little boy. We saw the whole thing, though the details escape me now. But what I do remember is getting up and sitting down next to the mom and identifying myself as someone who works with abused kids (which I did at the time). My approach was not condemnatory. I expressed concern for her and her son. I told her that I worried that if she was reported an investigation could be launched and she could even lose her child. I explained the emotional damage she was inflicting on her boy and expressed the desire to help. I suppose because my attitude and she likely saw me as an authority figure, she was very accepting of my input.
I don’t know if that would work every time, but it certainly seemed to work then. The problem with a violent or aggressive response to someone demeaning or abusing their kid is that they may take it out on their kid later. But to turn away and ignore the situation is to, on some level, become complicit.
The way I see it, as a member of the human family, it’s all our places to speak up and stand for truth and decency and moral suasion. Otherwise, we leave people (brothers and sisters, really) hanging on a cliff with no help, no one stepping up, abandoned by society, which is nothing less than being abandoned to their fate by every member of that society. And really, it comes back to the question of whether I want to live in a society that ignores others or not.
Good luck working through your moral conundrum, Brad! Great comment. Thanks for sharing your dilemma. I’d love to hear back from you to know what you think about my response here.
This is true, to stand up for what one believes is essential to the growth of humanity.
I couldn’t agree with you more, Baker. To do otherwise is to have a set of beliefs that are not very convincing. We are partially defined by our beliefs. But if we tuck them away every time we’re challenged to apply them publicly, then we are tucking a part of ourselves away to hide in the face of those times we need to cling to them most. Thanks for that succinct but profound statement!
I remember that photo–so incredibly moving no matter how many times I see it.
The first thing I thought of in my own life was when I was a girl. My best friend was not very athletic (I was), and at recess the other kids hurt her feelings when we were playing a game. She ran off crying. I stood there and gave an impromptu lecture to the class about good sportsmanship and then left the game to go comfort her. An early sense of justice–ha!
I wonder, though, about some of the scenarios you described. I did stop my car one night when I saw a man beating a woman on the street. I yelled out the window that I was calling the police, and I did, but I was not in any real danger myself. I read stories of truly heroic things that people do and I wonder if I would. I like to think so, but who knows if my courage would stand strong?
Galen Pearl recently posted … Just a Little Bit More
Hi Galen. I agree with you about that photo. I have a larger copy of it framed in my classroom at work. So inspiring. I also have a photo of ink-stained Iraqi fingers defying the threat that the streets of Baghdad would be stained with the blood of voters. Remember? The threat was made to discourage voters from showing up for their first real election in Iraq after Saddam’s fall. And still, long lines formed at about every voting location. Iraqis waited in lines for hours. Voting official would then stain the fingers of voters with permanent ink to prevent voter fraud. But that defiant ink-stained salute to freedom was such a moving moment.
While the scenarios I shared are scenarios that happen every day across the globe, there are times we stand up personally and other time we should defer to the proper authorities, doing our part to alert them. We have to assess our size and strength and ability against the backdrop of the present set of circumstances. I once saw a group of maybe 15 gang members beating up another guy. There was about 6 of us and half were girls. This was in the days before cell phones, but to have gone over (which a part of me was inclined to do) would have likely done little to nothing to help and would have put the girls at risk as well. In that instance, I felt sick to my gut that we didn’t intervene, but to do so would have been foolish. Instead, if I remember right, one of us went to a pay phone to call, but they all left together before we could get there. We later surmised it was another gang-banger being “jumped” into the gang. It was brutal.
So in any given set of circumstances, we may or may not jump into the fray. But the attitude that we should stand and do something is what’s most important. And, b y the way, what you did when you stopped the car and yelled out the window was itself very heroic. How many other cars stopped?
I really like your WWYD points, they made me really thinking. Actually, I don’t know if I were brave enough to say something if I saw somebody punishing his child. These things make me always upset, but I don’t want to talk in somebody other’s life.
Julie recently posted … teeth straightening
Hi Julie,
It really depends on the severity of the punishment. I don;t spank my children, but would never say anything to someone I saw spanking a child (within reason) because while I think it’s usually not needed, that there are better ways, I don’t believe it’s abusive either. But with real instances of verbal or physical abuse, even registering disapproval at least sends a message. Still, there are ways of intervening that can be pretty safe for the intervener. Read what I wrote to Brad above for the example that I experienced some time ago. While honesty is truly important, I would have no problem bending the truth significantly enough to let a parent think that I was a social worker or an off-duty police officer and that the way they are treating their child can very likely end in fines, prison and loss of custody.But the safest thing for the child is to do this lovingly so the parent doesn’t take it out on the kid later.
But in the end, we have to try to step in and help the helpless. Thanks so much for your honesty here. I think many, many readers will feel the exact same way. You’ve voiced as concern many of us have with our abilities to live up to our beliefs in the moment of trial. In the end, it’s all about practice and improvement. Maybe today, we don’t deliver. But there’s always next time to try again.
Great post Ken, and very inspiring! I like your clarifying questions. They really made me think. As a preschool teacher, I’m constantly in the middle of the conflicts of 5 year old. I might be be so good if I needed to tell adults, “That’s not so nice. Tell Johnny sorry. Now give each other a hug. You’re friends again. Go play!” I have gone up to some moms in store today and said, “Can I help you? Looks like you’re all having a bad day. I’ve been there before with my three boys.” but only to approachable people. Your post is inspiring me to be more brave.”
Betsy at Zen Mama recently posted … The Tao of Winnie the Pooh
Hi Betsy. I think the way you approached those people in the store is perfect. There are time to approach with force. Most of the time, however, I think love and concern will cause greater change. You’re a great example, my friend! Thanks for sharing it here!
PS: I think your 5 year-old classes are lucky to have someone like you in front of them, guiding their little hearts and minds down better paths!
Thank you for doing what you do! 🙂
Hi Ken,
Your words are so true. It is important to have the courage to stand and be counted. As a teacher, I’ve so often had to intervene in situations at school among children. I have also reported a suspected physical abuse case, and discussed the situation with the parent. It was not easy, but we, as educators have pledged to protect children, which is what we should all be doing. Because of that experience, it is easier for me to feel comfortable stepping in when I see a situation that is not right.
Children and animals are such helpless victims, but adults as well can find themselves in perilous situations. Certainly we can step in or call the police if the situation warrants it.
Thanks for the reminder. We all want a society where we help each other.
Thanks Cathy!
What you said here is absolutely perfect: “It was not easy, but we, as educators have pledged to protect children.” And like you said afterward, wouldn’t it be a much better world if we all had that pledge burned into the sidewalls of our hearts, minds and souls!
As with most of life, so with standing with courage. Public speaking gets easier with practice. A foreign language is spoken more fluently with use. And walking up to strangers mistreating their children does too. But what an important walk to take! If done in the right spirit, it can have a transformative effect on the family, at least be initiating a process that eventually ends in more love and patience.
Love your mindset here, Cathy. It’s all about helping, whether a child or an adult, whether personally or with a properly placed phone call.
There are those who have pledged to expose injustice no matter where! In the bonds of brotherhood!
May we all be willing to see what is, shine light on what’s dark and tell it like it is, standing firmly on wisdom and decency.
Ken, this is a wonderful post about taking a stand – and everyone should read this.
Do unto others what you would have done to you. So stand for others and one day others may be around to stand up for you:-)
We’ll only get social justice and peace in the world when more of us take a moral and practical stand to make these happen in the world.
Arvind Devalia recently posted … Find Your Fire!
Thanks Arvind! I like how you added the idea of taking a moral and a “practical” stand. Doing what wouldn’t work or would compound the problem, would not always be the best stand to take. I think a people (as well as an individual) defines itself (at least in part) by the things it’s willing to tolerate. To tolerate ugliness from others inflicts more than the person being directly affected. It infects the broader culture as well, a culture our kids will raise their kids in.
We have to take a stand against such things so our children and their children don’t have to stand against such ugliness quite as often as we do. If we don’t collectively stand up for what’s right, our children and theirs will have to stand up much more often than we did.
Thanks for the insight, my friend!
Great post Ken! Your clarifying questions definitely got me thinking. While most of my answers were positive, a couple got me thinking. They certainly put things in a very new perspective.
I think that in smaller communities where most people know most of their neighbors and feel connected to their community, it’s easier to stand up for the good. Unfortunately, our society has become so disconnected that many don’t stand up because they don’t know what they’re connected to. They’re not really sure of the people and community that they would be supporting by standing up so they lie low and try to blend into the background.
Unless we reach out to each other as real human beings and truly connect at a deeper level, living superficially will continue to be the status quo.
Paige | simple mindfulness recently posted … Simple Steps to Creating Productivity Habits
I think you make such a great point, Paige. People in smaller communities do speak of neighbors being so much more a part of their lives and their children’s lives. I think you’re right that as long as we remain so disconnected that we will continue to blend into the background.
But then there are those strangers who still stand and do what’s right despite their lack of connection to the anonymous people they help. What do you think the difference between them is? Values? More selfless and loving? Religious? Feel a duty to help?
Thanks for the insightful comment, Paige.
I think there are a variety of reasons depending on the person. I think most people don’t stand up due to low self-confidence. They probably wouldn’t stand up for themselves, much less others.
Some may stand up because the actions they see strike a cord with something in their past. Some feel a moral duty. I don’t think religiousness has much to do with it. That would fall more in the category of values. And so many people haven’t taken the time to identify what their core values are that they wouldn’t know how to act on them.
I may sound negative but it’s the majority of people that don’t stand up. Low self-confidence and low self-esteem are so prevalent in our culture that I think it’s the driving force behind most lack of action.
I think it’s the people who are confident enough with themselves that they don’t fear how others will see their actions that will stand up for others the most. Standing up for others is a totally selfless act.
Paige | simple mindfulness recently posted … Simple Steps to Creating Productivity Habits
Thanks Paige! I think your insight here is very important for people to understand as they grope around for meaning and purpose in their lives, trying to figure out what they are going to stand for. Some studies I’ve come across (mostly reported in the newspaper) have suggested religious people give much more of themselves in terms of money dominated to causes and time donated to volunteering. That religious difference very well may have a lot to do with a well-defined set of core values, but perhaps may also reflect the sense that they are accountable to a God to expects service and compassion.
You’re right about most people not standing, though. I suppose that’s one of the reasons we do what we do — let’s increase the numbers, one person at a time! 🙂
[…] “I came home from work one day and my 5-year-old son asked if I would play Star Wars with him. We had the inside tubes of two wrapping paper roles to use as our light sabers. We fought and fought until the light sabers were tattered and began unraveling. So we finished unraveling the tubes and taped up the bottoms as handles. They became the whips we used on new adventures of as Indiana Jones. We looked for treasure and fought off bad guys and had a ton of fun using the creativity of our imaginations, bonding as father and son. It was an extraordinary day!” Ken Wert of Meant To Be Happy […]
Such a great post Ken! In reading you questions, it became clear to me that at times I do have moral courage, and at other times I have failed by being silent. It reminds me that it’s “normal” to feel uncomfortable, unsure, awkward about being standing ones moral ground, but that’s not reason enough to stand watching on the sidelines.
Each time we go past out fear we become stronger and more solid. There is more than enough reason to step up in favor of moral courage, rather than cower and feel guilty. Since we are not powerless, we should never act powerless.
Aileen recently posted … What if I Hide
Thanks Aileen!
You are an inspiration, for sure. I love that honest look and recommitment to stand your moral ground. The more we as individuals do that, the stronger society becomes and the less room immoral actors on the stage of life will have room to infect the culture we raise our kids in.
great challenge Ken! not everyone would have that courage. i for one, might bite my tongue. it’s hard to always stand up and talk, and in my culture here, we don’t meddle with other people’s affairs. but if we know something is right, we gotta stand for it
Noch Noch
Noch Noch | be me. be natural. recently posted … why “work-life” balance? advocating a 3.5 day weekend
There are so many cultural, emotional, social, familial obstacles to many, many people standing up for what’s right. But whenever I’m in those situations, I always think to myself, what if that person was my child or was me, what would I want others to do? This usually motivates me to take action. Still, that action is sometimes (and perhaps should almost always be) in the form of love and compassion, not judgment, condemnation and confrontation. That way, there is less resistance and defensiveness and even anger and retaliation to the message. Also, when children are involved, some parents may take out their anger on them later. So it’s important to stand, but also to do it the right way. Still, if a society shuts its eyes and mouths when other people large or small get pushed around, we give our collective consent, whether actual or not. That is the perception by those abusing nonetheless.
Thanks for the comment, Noch Noch!
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