I’ve been married for over two decades now. And while I don’t have all the answers or do the “love and marriage thing” perfectly, I’ve learned a thing or two over the course of that time.
Following are 12 principles that I’ve found to be very effective (when, of course, I’ve been consistent at applying them!) in creating a spontaneously loving home.
1. Accept the notion that there will be storms and droughts
Almost all relationships have difficulties. Honeymoons end, and the cute stuff starts to look (and sound) pretty disgusting. Accepting the idea that marriage is not a Disney happily-ever-after movie, will help open the door to a life that can be richly rewarding.
Real life, after all, can’t compete with the Disney true-love, soul-mate fantasy. And to the degree that is the expectation and the measure, we simply won’t end up looking very good.
2. Weather the storms, endure the droughts
You have to be devoted to marriage itself, as an institution, perhaps as much as to the person you’re married to. That way, in those trying times, there will be some holding power. A storm in not failure. It’s just a storm. Sometimes all you need to do is let it pass.
3. Preventive care
The best medicine is an ounce of prevention. So the best way to keep the flame of love from dying is to keep it alive. Don’t let things simmer on low for too long. Don’t get lazy and start throwing your underwear in the corner of the room or leave hair in the sink. Don’t let yourself take each other for granted.
4. Keep the romance alive
Date night. Just do it. We’ve had times when date nights were regular and we’ve had periods when date night kept getting shoved off to the eternal “next time.” The difference has been stark. Hug and hold hands, open doors, leave notes for each other and give back rubs and shoulder massages. Treat each other as though you were deeply in love, and you’ll likely remain deeply in love.
5. Marriage is no big deal; it’s a bunch of little ones
Have you allowed “please” and “thank you” to drop from your conversations with each other? Have you stopped holding the door for her? Have you stopped running to give him a hug when he comes home? When was the last time you told your spouse you loved and appreciated him/her? When was the last time you played a board game or had a tickle fight or took a walk around the block hand in hand? Don’t let the little things slide or you’ll likely have a bigger mess to clean up later.
6. Feelings matter
Listen to her feelings. They won’t make sense to you. Listen anyway. They will seem irrational and maddening. Listen anyway. Feelings make sense to the person feeling them (usually). Validating those feelings is a sign of respect. And respect is a necessary component to sustained love.
7. Service
Clean up the house, make breakfast in bed, wash the others’ car, bring home his/her favorite CD or book. By serving with a willing heart, out of a desire to do something kind for the other, you develop greater love and compassion for that person. And you inspire in that person an appreciation for your service, the sense that they are, in fact, loved.
8. Prioritize your spouse
If you put your spouse at the end of every list, your marriage will be at the end of the list too. You can’t see your spouse as an extension of yourself. You are different people with different needs and personalities. Treat each other as such.
9. It’s about time
The quality vs. quantity time debate is over. Quality comes only at the end of quantity. Both are needed. If there’s not adequate quantity, there will not likely be much quality time available to spend.
10. Work on your love
Character matters. So work on your patience, compassion, forgiveness, selflessness, humility and love. The more of such traits that you have, the greater your capacity to love. Selfishness and pride are the twin destroyers of love. Work daily at overcoming these poisons.
11. Learn your spouse’s language
According to Dr. Craig Giorgiana, we all have one of three primary love languages.
- Some are task oriented. They express their love by doing things for others. That’s how they receive it as well.
- Others are verbal. Telling them how much you love them is key. They need to hear it.
- Those who are touch oriented express and “hear” love through touch, in the form of a hug, holding hands, a touch.
Forcing others into your particular preferred mode of communication is a losing proposition. But learning their language will better prepare you to be able to send messages of love loud and clear.
If you keep speaking Swahili to your spouse who only speaks Cantonese, you’ll never deliver the message you meant to deliver, no matter how sincere the delivery.
12. Don’t sink the ship
There are certain deal-breakers that can immediately end a relationship. Avoid them like the plague. Stay away from even the appearance of these deal-breakers. If the temptation arises, run! Fast! The destruction is not worth the emotional release in the moment.
Cheating, any form of abuse of anyone in the family, criminality, drugs, are all such acts of disdain, contempt and disregard for the others in the family that they warrant a dissolution and even legal remedies. The person engaged in any of these activities certainly needs help. But sacrificing yourself or your children in the process of “being there” is an unacceptable way to deliver that help.
Your Thoughts
What do you think?
What would you add to such a list?
Please share in the comments
Photo courtesy of Pixabay
Ken, I love this! Great list! I actually just mentioned the date night thing as well. It’s so important to keep it intentional. It’s just like anything else we work on in this life: where our attention goes, our heart goes. The more intentional we are about making our relationships work, the more those relationships will.
Yes, the storms and droughts come, but if we’re intentional about the LOVE and not about being right, we will weather those storms.
Congratulations on being married 20 years! Truly an honor!
Bryan Thompson recently posted … 8 Keys that will Make Your Relationship Indestructible
Thanks Bryan. Technically, it’ll be 23 years in March. I like the idea of intentional love. You’re so right about choosing loving behavior to have a loving relationship. So many people let their marriages idle. I’ve done that too.
At one point I saw my wife as a part of me, an extension of myself, a team player. And on a certain level that’s true, or is supposed to be true. But on another level, that attitude is dangerous and erroneous because it was so easy to keep my focus outward on what I was doing, my teammate beside me. What that did was to create a situation where my focus was virtually never directly on her.
Even now it can be easy to slip into that mode when I’m not consciously paying attention. But the thing is that it’s not a lack of love; it’s a failure to EXPRESS it in ways that can be understood and accepted by the other. We have different needs, including different amounts and types of time and attention from the other to feel loved and wanted and validated. But sometimes we use our level of need as the gauge for how much we offer the relationship.
I think guys have it hardest in this area because we are often (even if not all of us at all times) so get-the-job-done oriented, pursuing goals and accomplishing activities and projects. The result is that it’s harder to put a wife into the activity or project category of life. And so she gets squeezed onto the sidelines of the game too often. That’s where your intentional love becomes so profoundly important. Thanks for adding that here, Bryan. Wise words from a wise friend!
Ken, I really liked the part about learning your spouse’s language. You are completely right when you say “Forcing others into your particular preferred mode of communication is a losing proposition.” I’ve never thought about that before and it is the truth. Thank you for that aha moment. Happy Valentine’s Day to you and your family!
Wendy Irene recently posted … All You Need is Love
Hi Wendy!
It was all pretty timely. I just attended a presentation by the marriage and family therapist, Dr. Giorgiana who presented on that subject just a week ago. I’d read a book on the subject years ago, simply called Love Languages (I think?), but hadn’t thought much about the subject until recently.
It was a huge aha moment for me at the time and was an aha deja vu moment this time around! 🙂
Hi Ken,
I’m not married yet, but I’m taking these lessons on board now, ready for when I do! 🙂
I really do appreciate the point you make about quantity and quality needed. I don’t totally buy the idea of “spending quality time”. I can’t help but think there is an underlying excuse to not spend more time.
And I’m totally with you on the point about removing pride. Having lots of pride just leads to more selfishness. What do you reckon?
Thanks for another brilliant post Ken.
Hiten recently posted … Forgiveness is a key ingredient to freedom
Thanks so much, Hiten!
I love that your doing your homework before the test! 🙂
So many people go through marriage like it’s a scrimmage game, not the real thing. So those who think through issues and ideas that will serve them as a marriage partner have a leg up on everyone else. SO keep at it, my friend. It will serve you well. I always tell kids they need top develop those traits now that will make them good marriage material. Because is they wait until the wedding night to start, it’s too late, to some degree.
I agree with you on the quality vs quantity issue. But perhaps it isn’t always not wanting to spend the time as much as allowing other things to creep in and get in the way, not conscientiously prioritizing the relationship.
As for the connection between pride and selfishness, I have to admit to not having thought of it that way. But as I think about it now, I think you’re likely right. Nice observation!
While I’m not yet married, I can certainly put these to good use in my relationship now…and keep them in mind for later. 😉 Like Wendy said, I liked the idea of learning the other’s love language – it keeps the flow of communication open. And this: “If you keep speaking Swahili to your spouse who only speaks Cantonese, you’ll never deliver the message you meant to deliver, no matter how sincere the delivery.” – makes the idea crystal clear. Thanks! And Happy Valentine’s Day!
Happy Valentine’s Day to you too, Kaylee!
It’s really quite humorous to think about, but sad too. There have been divorces over this “language barrier” without either side even knowing they were speaking a different language.
Imagine this exchange:
Guy (with task-orientation): “Just filled your fluids in your car honey”
Gal (with verbal orientation): “We never talk. I feel like you just want to bury yourself in projects. Why don;t you love me anymore?”
Guy (offended that he just handed her his heart in the form of service rendered) “What? All you ever do is talk. Talk is cheap. You never go out of your way to do anything for me. You’re the one who is loveless. What’s the last thing you did to show me you love me?”
Gal (offended that he ignores every day’s expression of the love she has for him): “How dare you! When was the last time you even told me you cared for me?”
And so on and so on. Both were expressing their love for each other and both had their expressions discounted and invalidated, increasing the frustration level and adding to the stress and sadness of being married. But all it was was a communication barrier.
Thanks for the comment, Kaylee! And be sure to learn your future husband’s Swahili and teach him your Cantonese! 🙂
Hi Ken,
My 31st Wedding Anniversary is early April. Marriage is a Big deal however is also full of many little things…..hopefully you get a majority of these right. Thankyou.
be good to yourself
David
David Stevens recently posted … One Simple Way…..to becoming unstuck
Awesome!!!!!!
I get all of them right, David … sometimes. The trick, though, is consistency, right?
Thanks for stopping by, my friend!
Great list Ken,
It’s tough to add to a list which is already perfect 🙂
Still, a point from my side (actually from my personal experience).
When we have kid, our spouse needs extra support for managing the kid. I am learning to be more supportive to my wife in regards to taking care of our cutie daughter 🙂
Thanks for the post Ken and take care.
Naveen Kulkarni recently posted … 20 Tips To Reverse Your Trend Of Failure And Succeed Finally
Thanks Naveen!
Great addition. My favorite comic strip I’ve read was a picture of a woman at a wishing well wishing to be able to come home from a hard day at work and not have to do dishes, take care of kids or clean house, to be able to sit down, put her feet up and relax for a change. The next box shows a big puff of smoke as the wish come true. The last box shows the puff of smoke cleared and the woman making the wish has turned into a man. Lol!
That unfortunately is the condition many women live in. Motherhood is a job that never ends and to give our wives extra help, especially with the kids is a beautiful act of love, not to mention a basic responsibility of being a parent. 🙂
Thanks for the awesome input, Naveen!
Hi Ken,
You have offered an amazing list of ways to keep love alive. “Learn your spouse’s language” jumped out at me. That is something that I believe is often overlooked. We often assume our spouse communicates in the same way that we do. Following your tips will give all of us a good recipe for a happy marriage. Hope you had a wonderful Valentine’s Day.
So glad you liked the list, Cathy! 🙂
I think I’ll likely write a longer post about love languages. I think it has resonated with a lot of people. I took copious notes at the presentation with Dr, Gioriana, have done some research into the concept and have some thoughts of my own on it.
And you’re right about it being overlooked. I don’t think I’ve seen much of it mentioned (at least on the sites I frequent).
For years and years I made those same assumptions (and can still forget from time to time). But my way of thinking isn’t the only way of thinking. And while our frames of reference are the lenses through which we view and interpret the world (and interpret what others are trying to say to us), we can expand the outer edges of that frame to include the understanding that others love language is very different from our own.
Oh the misunderstandings that can be cleared up with just that one principle! 🙂
Thanks for the comment!
Ken,
This is an awesome list! My husband and I have been together for 15 years, all but the last few years being very rocky. After hitting rock bottom, we finally figured it out. The biggest thing for us was complete acceptance of each other just the way we are. We both spent so much of our relationship trying to control each other, trying to make the other person into something they would never be. This caused tons of anger and resentment. Once we learned to accept each other, all the negative garbage melted away. We’ve been the happiest ever since then.
Thankfully we also learned each other’s communication styles after having many of the interchanges like the one you wrote in one of your responses. I’m task & touch and he’s verbal.
Making time for each other in the quality vs. quantity debate can be difficult with crazy, busy lives. We’ve learned that quantity wins every time. Simply being there with your partner makes a world of difference. This has been a struggle for me as someone who thinks that I should always be doing something. Giving my time to my husband when he needs me and doing nothing but listening has been a major gift to him and our relationship.
Thank you so much for the reminders!
Paige | simple mindfulness recently posted … Simple Steps to Create More Freedom For Yourself
Hi Paige!
YES! “Acceptance” should have been on my list! Sooooo important! Thank you so much for adding it here. You just tremendously improved the article with one fell swoop! 🙂
And thank you for giving us a glimpse into your marital past. I think so many people are helped when they can see that someone as optimistically happy as you are has gone through tough times. It makes people who may be in the middle of their difficulties feel like there is light at the end of their long, dark tunnels and lends them a little something to hang on to if they still haven’t seen the flicker in the distance.
I’m with you on how difficult it can be to make sure we’re spending the time our spouses need with a mind set that is always looking to create or complete some project or goal. That’s why it can be so important to schedule the time right into my calendar and have those set date nights and family nights. It helps when we do it that way, anyway.
Thanks for the awesome contribution to our collective effort at growing our relationships. Loved your insight here, Paige!
Hi Ken….
What a beautiful Valentine’s Day post. I love your intention of creating such a loving relationship. A lot of people talk the talk but walking the walk is a whole different game. Your passion is palpable. Fran
Fran Sorin recently posted … Thought For Today – Richard Feynman on Creativity
Thanks Fran!
I certainly stumble through it very often and once in a while fall flat on my face. But it is important to me and I do work at it. Life is all about making those little course corrections mid-flight, and I make my fair share of them. 🙂
I’ve always told my daughter and “preach” the same thing to whoever else will listen, to become the kind of person who will attract the type of person you would want to raise your kids. If we’ve done that, the rest is making little adjustments along the way.
Thanks for commenting, Fran. And hope your day is happy!
This is brilliant, Ken, so much so that I’ll print it out and show it to my husband. I’ll also forward it to friends.
Very clear and common sense advice. Thanks!
Linda Hewett recently posted … Who Else Is Feeling Lost In Life? Confidence Gone? Here’s What To Do
Awww! Thanks, Linda! That means a lot to me. You made my day! Thanks for sharing that with me.
Most on the list comes from trial and error (probably more error than not!). But because of its importance, I’ve done quite a bit or study too. Stacks of marriage and relationship books on our shelves!
Thanks again, Linda! Always great to see you here!
I love it! I especially liked that you said marriage is no big deal, it’s a bunch of little ones. So true! Just a word about keeping love alive, many people – once they’re married think that’s the end of it. The thing is, marriage is the beginning. It’s the beginning of something precious – two lives lived as one. That’s no little feat.
Anne recently posted … Why Your Relationship Is Like A Plant
Hello Anne! So nice to “meet” you! And welcome to Meant to be Happy!
That not a big deal, just a lot of little ones came from a public service ad I once saw maybe 15 years ago or so. It showed a husband and wife as the background voice made that statement, then showed a series of little snippets of the two of them flying a kite at the park, taking a walk hand-in-hand, playing with their kids together, surprising each other with special little moments and gifts and the like. It really made an impression.
Glad you liked it too.
I LOVE what you said here: “many people – once they’re married think that’s the end of it. The thing is, marriage is the beginning. It’s the beginning of something precious – two lives lived as one.” That is an important point you made, Anne. Thanks for making it!
So many people see marriage as a conquest. City taken. Flags raised. Battle over. And then they relax into a siege mentality and allow things to go to pot. But marriage is always a work-in-progress, always meant to be evolving into something continuously new because we constantly evolve as individuals within the marriage.
Besides, the very process of growth — learning and applying and being open and humble enough to work on ourselves within the marriage and on the marriage itself — is such an affirming statement of love. It says that I care so much about you and our life together, that I will never take it for granted.
We water and weed and fertilize lawns and gardens, but then too few are willing to grow their own marriage with even a fraction of the care given their grass!
Thank you so much for adding such a critical point, Anne. Very much appreciated.
I’ve had a really good look around your site and realise we write mostly about the same things. I’ve added you to my blogroll so I (and my readers) can pop by again for a visit.
Anne recently posted … Why Your Relationship Is Like A Plant
Thanks so much, Anne! I look forward to getting to know you!
Congratulations on your upcoming anniversary of 23 years, Ken! That is fantastic! Wonderful list of principles.
Marianne recently posted … Stand Up, Put your Hands Together and Let’s Sing!
Thanks Marianne! It sure has flown by. I sometimes feel like I’m still that twenty-something-year-old kid saying “I do” … well, almost.
It’s been an amazing ride that has produced in me some of the most growth I could have ever experienced.
Beautiful read, Ken. I am thrilled to read this because Sury and I just celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary – and I found myself able to write a similar post 🙂 I love your point about preventive love :-). And I like how, when we truly WANT something, we’ll do anything to make it work.
Congratulations in advance for March 🙂
Vidya Sury recently posted … Secrets to a Happy Marriage
And congrats to you and Sury! In no time, you’ll be celebrating your 20th, then your 25th, then your 30th! 🙂
It’s just so easy to get into marital ruts, stuck in the same grooves year after year. But a more proactive approach to marriage is so important to its survival.
Okay, enough here, I’m going to go read your post, now! 🙂
Just came back from your post. Loved it! Here’s my favorite line in the whole article: “We admire each others qualities.”
What an important quality to have in a marital relationship! I hope you get many, many people stopping by to read that article. So important to our marital happiness!
Thanks for sharing with us, Vidya!!
🙂 Thanks Ken! I was chatting with Sury a little while ago when I read your first reply to my comment – and told him about the 30 years. He’s pretty sure I’ll blog about our 30th anniv. – only I’ll probably be using speech to text software to do it. 🙂 I just can’t stop laughing visualizing that!
Cheers! And much love!
Vidya Sury recently posted … The Haiku Challenge 2012 – Day 15 – Beauty lies
Haha! Hmmm… I think I’ll still be trying to figure out how to use all the features on a flip phone! Blogging notwithstanding, my family teases me about being born in the wrong age with all these high tech gadgets! 🙂
Cheers and love back at you, Vidya!
Hey Ken,
I have not been married but because I am a shrink I get to say a lot about this 😉
I love the areas of relationship you discuss over here. It does take a lot of courage to hold to a marriage and make it strong as the days go by. My parents have been married 35 years and they keep telling me that successful marriage isn’t only about love; it is a lot of work too. Compromise they say is a very important factor to be considered. And compromise of ego. Sometimes you just have to give your ego a back seat. What I see normally when dealing with patients with marital issues that they have the “I’m better or I didn’t get this, I sacrificed this” talk way too much. Though self is important; sometimes you just to take the call of the putting the “we” before the I.
Loved the piece Ken.
Happy Valentine’s Day to you too!
Hajra recently posted … Will they call you over for a bloggers party?
Hi Hajra!
My position is that a doctor doesn’t need to have had cancer to treat it successfully! 😉
It’s so interesting to watch a relationship evolve. It usually evolves at the exact same pace as the individuals within it grow. When we’re young, we think love is all that’s needed, and it’s not wholly untrue, if we define love as the kind that is much more than an emotion, as the hard work and character development needed to be compassionate and caring, patient and committed, giving and kind and forgiving.
But bottom line, your parents are right. A bad marriage is easy to create. But a good marriage requires sacrifice and compromise and lots of work and attention.
But oh so worth it!
#3, #8, and #10 make me think of Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. Early in the book he talks about making daily emotional deposits into your relationship. He points out that we tend to make emotional withdrawals a lot and if we don’t make a conscious decision to make daily deposits we’ll soon find there’s nothing left to draw upon.
Knowing how to nurture a marriage/relationship is half the work, committing to it is the other half. At times life may seem too hectic to take the time to invest in the relationship, but it’s worth making it a priority
🙂
Aileen recently posted … How to Enjoy Valentine’s Day without a Valentine
Hi Aileen!
Thanks for saying so! I’m a big fan of Covey. I love the principle-centered nature of his work.
You make an outstanding point, Aileen! Knowing how to do something is not the same as committing to it. The inner resolve and determination it takes to continue with a commitment to a person and the marriage itself even when things aren’t going well requires lots of work and humility and selflessness.
But like you said, it’s worth it. As a matter of fact, there is no work that has payoffs as beautiful as the work needed to create a great marriage.
I believe if the couple have a common passion or dream, this would make a great recipe for a wonderful marriage. I lack this in my marriage now, but it’s a lesson learned 🙂
M. Tohami recently posted … The 4-Step Passionate Living Blueprint – Part 1
Great addition, M. Tohami!
A shared vision and a shared passion for that vision, or some part of it, can be such a huge blessing in a marriage.
The great thing about different personalities with different backgrounds and interests getting married, though, is that while the shared passion may not be evident at first, passion can be found and developed … and shared. It may not be in what is hoped for, but it can be discovered: maybe in raising the children, improving the marriage, the home, or something not yet thought of.
Good luck finding your shared passion. In the meantime, be sure not to judge her and just love her. Sometimes that can be the biggest obstacle to our wives feeling like they can get behind our projects and goals. They feel on the outside looking in. And in a lot of ways, they are. Our compassion for them can help close that gap and draw them in over time and to some degree.
Hi Ken,
Being married for over two decades is quite an achievement in this age when divorce is fairly common. That said, I enjoyed the 12 principles you have shared and here are some of the thoughts that crossed my mind as I read through them.
1 & 2: I think accepting that there will be challenges even in the most beautiful relationships is wise. Good times will always follow bad times and vice versa. This is the natural cycle of all areas in life. It would not be prudent to deny this reality. All we can do is to prepare for and manage the challenges as best as we can.
The beautiful part is that the more storms a relationship weathers, the stronger the bonds become. There will also be a deeper understanding and familiarity that comes through adversity. Such a love can endure much and still thrive.
11. Learning your spouse’s language is vital to a meaningful relationship. We have to be able to see the world through the eyes of our spouse if possible. We will not have the same clarity, but we should never stop trying to do so. Only by understanding them fully can we give them the love they deserve.
Thank you for sharing this lovely article!
Irving the Vizier
The Vizier recently posted … How to Immortalize Special Moments in Life
Hi Irving!
Yep, coming up on 23 years! Good point: Life certainly is cyclical. Downs follow ups as day follows night. But we do become stronger as we climb those hills and mountains. The trick is to stop fighting each other and start working together as a team to overcome life’s challenges.
I also like what you said about being able to love more completely as we come to understand each other better.
As always, great insight, adding layers of wisdom to the post!
Hi Ken,
I enjoyed reading your 12 principles and wanted to add something to # 10 – Work on your love.
I think sometimes we believe that love will take care of itself and while it does to a certain extent, in my experience this is one way that helps us to deliberately work on this.
When we first fall in love we love everything about the other person. To us they are perfect.
With being human however, it’s not long before our attention shifts and we are all too focused on everything that annoys us about them.
Unless we interrupt this trend it becomes consuming as it’s all we see. This does nothing for growing one’s love.
If you can develop an awareness when these negative thoughts come up and can consciously and deliberately interrupt the pattern by listing / thinking about all the reasons why we love the other person, soon the negative thoughts don’t stand a chance of survival.
By focusing on what we love about them we also strengthen our love for them.
~Marcus
Marcus Baker recently posted … Guilt and how to Deal With it
[…] Ways to Keep Romance Alive Little Things to Keep the Romance Alive after Marriage and Kids How to Keep Love Alive: 12 Principles for Nurturing Love in Your Marriage Before I landed on TAM, I can't recall us ever having 1 discussion on "boundaries" with […]
Hi Ken,
I think these ideas are excellent. I would underscore what you said about “Don’t sink the ship”. Perhaps most important in any relationship is honesty and fidelity. Shared values of honesty and fidelity allows one to feel safe, that its okay to be vulnerable, okay to give and receive love with someone. When those elements don’t exist in a relationship, love is futile. I recently turned 50 and have been dating a man for almost 4 years who has a 7 year old daughter with a woman he cheated with during his 25 year marriage. She rejected him by staying with her husband but has dangled him on a chain in order to keep ruin our relationship because of jealousy by using a child she had by him as bait. He has a visitation order, but she was able to get the order she wanted by preventing him from having any other woman present during exchanges or at other times when she is present with their daughter. Also, the court ordered him to call her regularly every week to discuss their daughter, which he does.
He swears that he is committed to me, and tries to make me believe that he has no feelings for her, but with a court order like this, and the fact that he complies, I am feeling like I’m second. I’m a successful, beautiful, slender, sincere, loving christian woman who has been alone for 15 years. I’m beginning to believe that there are many relationships like mine, where people exist for the sake of security who are missing out by being with the wrong person. If you could address this, that would be great. Thanks.
Sorry it’s taken so long to reply. But here goes:
My belief is that once you’ve brought a child into this world, you make it right. Best case scenario would have been that the mom keep the kid and her husband raise the child as his own and your husband never poke his head into anyone’s life like that again. But that’s not what happened, because we seem to care more about the rights of adults than what’s best for the child. But since he did cheat and she did stay with her husband and the court did order him to call, he should. If a weekly phone call makes you feel you’re second place, then there is a lot more than phone calls that is wrong in your relationship (or in your overly-jealous heart), but no way to know here, talking to you like this.
Still, what kind of man do you want to be married to? One that has a kid, ignores the child, the kid’s mom and spends every waking moment glued to you? Or do you want a responsible man, one devoted to making his mistakes right, committed to being a positive influence in the life of his own child?
To me, it’s a no-brainer.
i must say, i am so impress by what i have learned and i belief this is going to take my marriage to another level. You know love is the ochestra of marriage and if not kept alive, the marriage will definitely become so unhappy and may eventually lead to seperation. I like the part that talks about keeping the romance; hugs, holding of hands, opening of doors, leaving of notes. Sir, it was just like, you were talking directly to me. But i believed as i have recieved this message, i am a changed Husband. Thank you very much sir.
You made my day, Chilion! Go love your wife with all your heart!
Dear Spouse
I have forgotten about myself in our marriage and quite conceivably, I feel my roots have grown dry and brittle. Somewhere along the past ten years, my blooms have withered so most are now dead, hanging off of the main stem barely holding on.
I wish I could say they died from being watered too much, but I would be lying to both of us. In fact, I slowly starved and died from lack of watering. Sure every once in a while the refreshing drops of rain fell upon my leaves and gave me hope and a little more strength to hold on hoping for a torrential downpour, but sadly so, the drops never made it to my roots, there just was not enough.
The sun was warm beautiful and beamed at first. It felt so refreshing to feel and see the growth from my roots to the incredibly beautiful flowers that sprouted from our garden of love. Sadly so, the sun became overbearing and began to burn and hurt terribly. There just was not enough nurturing and attention and eventually, I began to die a slow lonely death.
I must move my plant to find hope and passion and ways to enjoy the sun again. To find a place to be nurtured back to life and feel the refreshing coolness of water as it nourishes my roots, stems and again experience the beautiful blossoms of life started all over again. There may only be a root ball left to begin once again, but with nurturing and love I know my life will be what it once was and the beauty I once was can overcome the struggles it take to have a new beginning.
I know you were busy and forgot to water me and give me love and affection. I am not angry, just hurt and now alone as I feel my flowers are the only dead flowers in our garden. You were wonderful when you chose me to sit beside you but along the way, I feel the garden became too complicated, too demanding. I do not blame you, the weeds took over and what little rainfall and watering that had been done just could not fix the damage already done.
I wish you luck in weeding the garden and replanting in my spot. I just ask that if you let your garden get too complicated again, don’t forget about that beautiful rose bush that stands out amongst the others so your prized garden does not falter and hurt another beautiful soul. The pain of dying slowly will live with me forever and although there is life again, I still have my root ball, I would hate to see another beautiful rose bush die the death that I had.
Yours Truly,
Withered Rose
[…] Studies show that if you both pull pranks at each other, scaring one another the adrenaline rush produced will do good for your relationship. It will be a bonding experience and it may be scary but will make some great memories. Additional reading: Nurture love in your wed lock […]
[…] Original Source: meanttobehappy.com […]
[…] Accept the notion that there will be storms and droughts. Weather them both. [source] […]
Pleasant post without a doubt! According to my own involvement in life, Love must be chipped away at, much the same as a gardener with his garden. In spite of the fact that he has planted the seeds and expects the sun and rain to do the vast majority of the work, despite everything he needs to haul the weeds out of the garden, to prepare it, and water it if there isn’t sufficient rain. That is the same with a sound, adoring relationship. A debt of gratitude is in order for sharing your wonderful considerations!
I like that, Zara. Very well said!
I can say that what a great information you shared with us to increase our mutual love as a couple. I am engaged with my husband since 10 years but never utilized most of the ways you shared in this post. The valentine day is coming and I would follow this post to do something extraordinary. I am sure our love will never die just because of this post.
I can surely use your provided ways to make my life more pleasant with my husband. Thanks
Becky Hote recently posted … 40 Full of love Birthday Wishes for Husband – Get Now
You absolutely made my day, Becky! Thank you so much for sharing (and sorry it took so long to reply–M2bH has been neglected a bit lately).
Let us know how things unfold as you apply the principles and ideas you find helpful here!
One thing just jumped out to me in this love relationship article, and that is – ‘prioritize your spouse’ as you said. Indeed, that should be.
And, Liz, it’s so easy not to, right? So much grabs our attention every single day, even every moment of every day, that it’s tremendously easy to slip into the habit of only thinking of our spouses as one half of “we” instead of as individuals with needs we’ve covenanted to do our best to fulfill. Besides, life is just better and happier when both sides of a relationship are fully invested in doing what is in their power to make the life of their spouse the best experience it can possibly be. But when we slip into thinking of them only in terms of “we”, the outcome is almost inevitably that the other person gets so deeply buried in the “we” that they essentially disappear. And once a partner in a relationship disappears, well, then there will be some kind of hell to pay. Happiness doesn’t happen when we’ve faded and blurred into a murky we-ness. So yes, prioritizing our spouses comes pretty close to ensuring they don’t sink into the empty pit of the “we.”
Relationship is build on love trust and care. If there is love in relationship, everything seems happy. So, keep love alive in relationship.
https://www.nrimb.com/
Thank you Christina! I love that trifecta of good relationships: love, trust and care! Well put!
Useful 12 tips for any couple. I strongly believe in KEEP THE FLAME ALIVE no matter what. The other is DON’t SINK THE SHIP – there should not be any interference from anyone.
Thanks for these great insights! That bit about speaking to your partner in the language they understand… how do you go about decoding which mode they use (touch oriented, task oriented, verbal)?
Danny recently posted … Expert Reveals: A Little-Known Secret To Achieving Stunning Success And Happiness In A Love Relationship
Great question, Danny. Here’s an example: I have a sort of love language that is expressed in physical touch. I hug, shake hands, pat backs, put arms around shoulders. That’s how I express and receive love most obviously. My wife, on the other hand, expresses and receives love largely through verbal communication and doing things for others and having things done for her. If I only show my love through physically interacting with her she may never receive the full expression. Whereas if she does things for me but never holds my hand or holds me, we run the risk of expressing love but not “hearing” it expressed.
So the first task is to find out what love language the other speaks in (touch, talking, spending time, buying gifts, doing acts of service, etc), then prioritizing that language daily to be sure your love is being “heard” loud and clear. Here’s a great place to discover your own and your partners’ preferred love language: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/
I believe if the couple have a common passion or dream, this would make a great recipe for a wonderful marriage. I lack this in my marriage now, but it’s a lesson learned https://imeditationclub.com/
Your insights into nurturing a strong and enduring marriage are invaluable. The wisdom you share about weathering storms, practicing preventive care, keeping romance alive, and prioritizing each other’s needs resonates deeply. Your emphasis on communication, service, and mutual respect is a testament to building lasting love.
It’s incredible to see someone sharing their experiences after so much marriage. It seems that this person really understands the nuances of a long-term relationship. I totally agree with the idea that there are no flowers at all, you know? Storms happen, but it is important to have strength and dedication to face them together. This prevention quest is also super important. Sometimes, small gestures can make all the difference to keep the love story alive. As we say: prevention is better than cure!
Absolutely, these are serious and non-negotiable issues that can cause irreparable harm to a relationship and the individuals involved. It’s crucial to recognize and address them early on to avoid long-term damage. Here’s a friendly reminder: when faced with such destructive behaviors, prioritizing your own well-being and that of any children is paramount. It’s essential to seek help and support from professionals and legal resources if needed, rather than trying to “fix” the situation on your own. A healthy relationship is built on respect, trust, and safety—anything that undermines these fundamental elements deserves to be addressed with the utmost seriousness.