“Intimacy wades in the shallow waters of life until spirituality brings it into the deep end.”
Us human folk are complex multidimensional beings. We are physical. We are emotional. We are intellectual. We are social. We are also spiritual.
As such, to neglect the spiritual side of our lives is to neglect a foundational part of who we are at the most fundamental level. To build relationships ignoring that vital part of our natures is to create a relationship that hobbles on one leg.
Relationships are organic things. A spiritual-free relationship is an organism that may have heart, but lacks soul. (<– Tweet this!)
Even if emotionally rewarding, without the spiritual dimension your relationship can’t reach the depth of one built on, around, and as an extension of a shared spiritual context.
Why Spiritual Intimacy Matters
To deepen our relationships then, it’s important to address each facet of the human experience, at least at some level.
In a cynical world of one-click-away porn, a calloused social climate, a dime store popular morality that is as airy as Swiss cheese and as steady as a politician in an election year, it becomes increasingly important to create spiritual moorings in our relationships.
Doing so promises to better hold us together by connecting us at a deeper level, deeper than skin level, even deeper than the heart. Spiritual intimacy can bind us together in ways the mere physical can’t and the emotional is not fully equipped to.
When we are spiritually connected, our expressions of love take on new meaning. Purpose is added to passion; substance to pleasure; beauty to desire; joy to intimacy.
The more spiritually in-tune you and your partner are, the stronger the emotional connection between you will likely be. Greater trust, more passion, more concern, softer communication, shared meaning and purpose all add to the intimacy we hope to have with our permanent love relationships.
So if you’re ready to develop something deeper and more meaningful in your most significant of relationships, try applying the following steps …
7 Ways to build Spiritual Intimacy in your Marriage
1. Serve together
Service is the context and consequence of a spiritual life. (<– Tweet this!) Service is the natural expression of one’s spirituality. If attitudes and behaviors don’t change as spirituality develops, your spirituality has likely been built of more superficial substance.
Love and compassion are natural offshoots of mature spirituality. One follows the other and one leads to the other. Work on one and the other will eventually follow on its heels — so long as it is not a superficial pretense in disguise.
2. Read Spiritual Text Together
Whatever your holy book or spiritual text might be, try reading together as a couple. Build your relationship on the back of shared values, a shared faith and shared quest for spiritual growth, nirvana, enlightenment, the way, at-one-ness or communion with the Holy Spirit.
Reading inspiring literature has a grounding effect. It reminds, prompts and motivates us to live spiritual lives and teaches us spiritual practices that help us connect with the Source of our spirituality.
It helps us eliminate spiritual distractions and strengthens our resolve to live our lives in a way that removes and prevents moral debris that can clog spiritual lines of communication.
3. Pray Together
As the old saying goes, a family that prays together stays together. While not always true, there does seem to be significant correlation. There is an intimacy in prayer when it’s expressed soulfully. When we pour out our hearts to God for our family, asking for protection and blessings and comfort and forgiveness and love, a spiritual bond can start to form.
Anger and resentment can be melted by a spouse praying for help to overcome a problem that exists between them, asking for direction, seeking spiritual confirmation, requesting insight into the needs of the other.
If, however, prayer is used as a means of shaming the other into some desired change, then prayer has become a weapon in the hands of those who misunderstand its purpose.
But when approached humbly, sincerely, open to the divine, to spiritual instruction, presenting yourself “naked” before your Maker, ready to give an accounting, asking for help, praying for blessings on each other, spiritually vulnerable, hard exteriors can crack. Softness can return. Patience, love and forgiveness often start to replace the harsher feelings that sometimes develop between spouses over time.
4. Share Spiritual Experiences
As you work to build the spiritual foundation to your relationship, you will have a growing number of spiritual experiences to talk about. Share them. Share your personal insights and spiritual epiphanies as you have them. Open up and get used to talking about emotional and spiritual things.
Talk about the spiritual experiences you have together as a way to connect soul to soul. Make it a habit to ask each other about their spiritual thoughts and feelings as an expression of a sincere interest in their spiritual experiences and a desire to share and learn together, and bond at a spiritual level.
If you had a particularly spiritual moment in prayer, walking through the woods or while contemplating life, share it. Talk about it. Invite the spiritual into the conversations that become an integral part of your relationship.
Caution: Be patient as you embark on this journey though. Don’t expect the Heavens to open and angels to descend. Look for more subtle spiritual stirrings and impressions that speak to your heart, ratifying eternal truths as you discover them, gently guiding you down the spiritual path, washing over your relationship, soothing and entwining hearts.
5. Visit Spiritual Places Together
Temple, mosque, church, synagogue, monastery, cemetery, holy ground, the Holy Land, Jerusalem, Mecca, wherever. There is something inspiring and connecting about great places of spiritual tradition.
They ground us and lift us and point us down spiritual paths. They inspire rededication and recommitment. The memory of such places can also stay with us for years, continuing to inspire long after the actual visit.
Many religious monuments and places of worship or other spiritual centers are rich in symbolism as well. Connecting with the symbols of our spiritual quests can further add context to our spiritually-based relationships as well.
6. Spend Time in Nature Together
For many of us, nature is a deeply spiritual experience. It has a way of calming and centering and rejuvenating the soul.
Long walks in the woods, on a lonely stretch of beach, through a forest or in the desert, across a field of wildflowers or alongside a stream or the shores of a lake, there is something inside us that connects and reflects those pristine settings. It draws us into deep contemplative thought.
Spending time in nature together can get our hearts beating in sync, allowing us to retool our thoughts and moods to fit a more subdued and spiritual rhythm.
7. Create Spiritual Traditions Together
Traditions are ways of bringing family together in shared meaningful experiences.
The danger is that they can become routine and common, losing their original significance. But that can be guarded against easy enough as long as you are aware of that possibility and are mindful of the way you prepare for and participate in the tradition you create.
Family and couples’ prayer, daily or weekly family devotionals, scripture study, observing religious or spiritually significant holidays can all help anchor us spiritually.
Warning: Go at the Pace of the Person Least Ready to Walk a Spiritual Path
One of the most effective ways to kill the likelihood of building spiritual intimacy with your significant other is to make that person feel inadequate or guilty for not having ascending to the lofty spiritual heights you currently occupy (did you catch the sarcasm?).
Developing spirituality is not a 50 yard dash across a finish line. It’s a life-long lifestyle. It doesn’t matter if you walk or run or jog or crawl. The point is to keep at it. It’s more endurance than speed. If you seem to be running faster than your spouse, that’s okay.
But if you find yourself focusing is on your partner’s speed and spiritual location relative to your own, then maybe the spiritual race you’re running is more ego and less spirit.
I can’t overemphasize the importance of never making your spouse feel like he/she is lacking some essential spiritual gene or isn’t up to par or is otherwise not in your league. That’s the fasted way to kick the spiritual relationship in the gut, perhaps never again to coax your spouse back to the spiritual path.
So don’t demand your spouse perform the same spiritual practices in exactly the same way you do. Don’t require your partner to say the same words or express their individual spirituality as a mirror image of your words and your expressions.
Avoid self-righteousness. Spiritual arrogance chokes true spirituality. (<– Tweet this!) So be patient. Be calm. Be compassionate. Lead by example. Walk the talk.
Let your love and empathy and kindness be the gentle nudge and the quiet sermon of the value of a spiritual life together. And if your spouse is not ready for the walk, let him see the benefits of a spiritual journey in you as you ever so kindly walk that path alongside the path he’s walking instead.
Afterthoughts
There’s nothing more off-putting than someone who talks the talk of spirituality but doesn’t live it. Your spiritual path should be leading you to more inner peace, kindness, patience, thoughtfulness and love.
If it isn’t, something is not working right. The spiritual path doesn’t require perfection, mind you. Mistakes will be made. Patience will be tested and found wanting. Anger will still surface. People on spiritual journeys still stumble and fall down. But things should be getting better over the course of your spiritual journey together.
The true measure of your spiritual journey is the degree to which your outer life starts to reflect your inner one.
Keep in mind, however, that nothing here will replace other challenges that may stand in the way of a deep kind of intimacy in your marriage or other relationships. But adding a spiritual element can help move you closer to resolving other difficulties that may still be obstacles to richer intimacy.
If your marital life is filled with criticism and complaint, adding a spiritual core can start to return a sort of spiritual equanimity, at least to you and how you approach life and your loved ones. Peace can replace anger and resentment. A soft reply can replace harshness and judgment. Compassion can replace years of built-up resentment.
So even is your spouse is resistant to a spiritual walk, start yourself. Allow your life to be a kind of walking billboard, not in a “watch me” sort of way, but as a humble expression of a life lived spiritually.
As your shared spirituality matures, so will your relationship. It will deepen in unexpected ways. Additional layers of meaning and significance will add to what already exists. Your perspective will broaden and lengthen. How you interpret problems, each other, and the life you’re building around your relationship will take on new colors, shades and hues, adding a texture to life that will be nothing short of profound.
So step up and get down and spiritual.
The journey begins now!
Enjoy …
YOUR TURN!
- Have you started down your own spiritual path?
- How have you successfully brought someone along with you?
- How have you added spirituality to your own relationship?
- Anything I missed that would help build spiritual intimacy?
We’re all learning together here and would love your insight. Please share it in the comments below.
Image by Tep Ro from Pixabay
I think it doesn’t happen really often when spirituality can save a marriage… Spiritual companies have nothing to do with familiar relations like marriage. Although I can picture myself that it could be great if you and your wife/husband are interested in the same spiritual thing I won’t think that it could solve personal problems in a relation which is really complicated like marriage.
Kamilla recently posted … A fogbeültetés számomra is elérhetővé vált
Hi Kamilla,
You’re right to mention the potential complexity of marital problems. I think it’s helpful to think of the fruits of true, deep, authentic spirituality: more compassion, love, kindness, empathy, gentleness, forgiveness, connectedness, patience and less judgment, anger, resentment, complaining, whining.
Just looking over the list of those traits that improve as we work on our spirituality suggests an improved marriage or any other relationship. As we deepen, our relationships deepen. As we grow, our relationships can also.
Most marital problems, it seems to me, are centered on one or both of two character deficiencies: selfishness and pride. Increased spirituality softens both obstacles to healthy, loving, nurturing relationships.
In my opinion, a spiritual path that doesn’t lead to personal growth is a superficial path that is not all that spiritual.
Still, I’d love to know what you think about my reply.
Thank you so very much for this rich post!
My initial reaction is… For us folks who cannot easily define spirituality within ourselves… For whom the concept of spirituality is difficult to grasp…
Is there no hope for us?
Is the path to happiness forever obstructed?
There is absolutely hope, Leopold!
Spirituality is only one facet of life. And while I think it’s an important one, there is all kinds of work that can be done elsewhere to grow your happiness. Perhaps the most immediately recognizable work you can do is in the mind, on habitual patterns of thought, to be more precise. Follow this link to an earlier article here about the power of thought on happiness. There is also character work that will help deepen happiness that doesn’t necessarily require the spiritual component.
So happiness is not cut off from those who struggle to figure out the spiritual. I’m just offering spirituality as another avenue to that goal. Better relationships mean happier homes. Adding spirituality to our deepest relationships can improve and deepen them in part by improving and deepening us.
And while ultimately I think spirituality is necessary to reach our highest potentials (if we are part spiritual, as I contend, but ignore that component, it’s like trying to climb a mountain while refusing to use both arms. It can be done with one arm and two legs, but we are nonetheless limiting ourselves), there is still so much we can do to move us closer to a richly happy life.
Thanks Ken!
But I think that rather than doing even more thinking and analyzing, I would like to try to explore the more spiritual sides of life – and myself and my spouse.
I am convinced that we are all (except maybe psychopaths) spiritual but in different ways. But apart from traditional religion there isn’t much (in my opinion) that helps us cultivate it.
Have you written posts on this? Or is that something to come?
Kind regards,
Leopold
It’s a fun exploration, Leopold. I haven’t written much on that topic, but you might be interested one of my very early posts about the role of religion on happiness. Here’s part II of that post.
PS: The links I left you about the power of thought are about the ways thinking adds or distracts from our happiness. It’s not about analysis at all. It’s about changing perspectives, developing a pervasive sense of gratitude, seeing the good in people and the positive in things, and the like. Anyway, just wanted to clarify.
Thanks for the reply, Leopold. Have a great day!
Hi Ken,
Very thought provoking post. Spirituality is so personal. There are some who are not sure what to believe and others that seem so certain of their beliefs.
I was once told by a Dominican Sister that spirituality is a journey. Some people will take a direct route, like taking an airplane. Others may walk or take a boat, which will take longer and may have more distractions and detours along the way. If you are seeking, however, it does not matter which path you take, you will find your way in the end. I thought this was quite beautiful.
So adding a spiritual aspect to your relationship makes sense. It is at the core of who we are…whatever that spirituality means for each of us. It could be nature, a spiritual practice like meditating, God or any number of things. Sharing that with someone close to us opens us up to being vulnerable, which can be scary.
Thank you, Kimberly.
Yes, I agree with you. Spirituality is a personal experience. But I think there are some universal truths to deepening it, like living a kinder, more compassionate and loving life, contemplating spiritual matters, reading uplifting material, service and reducing the flow of ugly influences in our lives.
Still, I really like the idea of spirituality as a journey. We progress, then stumble, seek and stop seeking, try again, fall back down and keep moving, one step of the journey at a time.
Loved reading your comment. Thanks for sharing it, Kimberly.
Another interesting discussion Ken.
I am the happiest woman in the world in no small part because I’m married to the most wonderful man in the world (well in my world).
Our relationship was built from the beginning with Love or God, or Universal source, whatever resonates with you, as the central pillar from which we operate, and I can say unequivocally that our relationship is better and greater today than when we first got married and I’ve no doubt this expansion of love and happiness will continue until we depart this planet.
If you’re choosing love it’s a win win.
Love Elle
xoxo
Elle recently posted … An Easy Path To Great Results.
Oh, we get those from time to time here, don’t we! 🙂
Thanks Elle. I love the discussions that come out of the thoughts I share here. The discussions are in many ways so much better than the original article. I love the insight and challenges alike. They help clarify my ideas and make me think and dig a little deeper than I likely otherwise would.
Thank you for sharing this with us! When we build anything on the back of love, it works a whole lot better as a foundation for a successful marriage than when it’s built on lust or neediness or loneliness or shades of those and other reasons people end up married to each other.
Congratulations on a happy marriage that’s getting happier!
As a Christian woman who married a non-Christian man, I can relate to this. I liked what you said about praying together. I do this in the home (but not as often as I would like). However, like you said, it’s not a dash for the finish line, especially when you have to consider those who’re slowest in getting there.
I pray for my husband and kids every day. I found out something about prayer a long time ago. If you can’t stand someone, pray for them. You’ll find that you can tolerate, then even like them as time goes by. You can’t be mad at someone you pray for.
If prayer can work like this, imagine what it can do when you pray for people you actually love. Each time I step up my prayers for one of my children, the relationship I have with that child becomes extremely close – and not just on my part.
My husband goes to worship with me each Sunday. I pray that one day he’ll give his life to Christ. Of course, I would’ve never married him if I knew he was a wayward type of guy. He agreed that any child we have would be brought up to know God. This was when I knew I’d made the right decision. He’s kept his word too.
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Hi Anne,
We have family prayer and couples prayers. It’s such a centering practice. It also makes you think about what you’re going to pray about so you’re not simply repeating trite phrases out of habit. Prayers can get deeper and more meaningful when we dot hat. Still, there are times when my prayers seem more like words being said than my heart reaching upward. That’s when we have to dig a little deeper to get our spirituality reflecting something more sincere.
I agree about the power of prayer to change how we see those we ordinarily would see without much charity. It really does change how we feel about them — more empathy and forgiveness.
Like Kimberly said above, spirituality is a journey along a path on which we sometimes sit and sometimes walk and sometimes run. All we can do is love those around us and hope and pray they come to see the value in stepping onto that path with us.
I have just seen a nice meme about this, an old couple stands on the image with the words: they’ve spent 60 years together, in the earlier time, when something went wrong, they didn’t escape, but they did fix it…
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Thanks Eva.
Yep, problems become bigger when we ignore them, right? That’s sound advice, Eva — fix things while they are small to be fixed and more people will enjoy 60 year anniversaries!
Hi Ken, This is a really great article. Out of all the couples I know, the ones who seem to remain happily together are those who have a commitment to a shared faith and also the ones who serve together as you mention. Unfortunately, this is not something I have had experience with, but who knows what the future holds. Maybe I’ll have a chance to check it out before it’s my time to check out. Thanks for sharing. I better “like” this to my fb page so it’s handy for when I need it.
Marianne recently posted … Learning about Love: Day 100 – I feel loved
Thank you, Marriane.
I agree with your observations. I’ve known happy couples without a shared faith, but it seems to me that the happiest couples had that in common.
Again agreed! We never know what twists and turns life throws our way. I think the best way to experience most things is to prepare for them the best we can so that when circumstances arise, we’re standing at the crossroads at the right place and time, ready to recognize the moment as the opportunity it is. A spiritual relationship can only be had be people pursuing spiritual lives.
Thanks for the comment, Marianne. Always love to read what you have to say!
PS: Thanks for the “Like”! 🙂
What do you do when your spouse has no drive to seek help from a spiritual head (pastor), but wants to see a regular therapist that has a successful marraige (based upon her standards). How do you deal with that? I am spiritually tired and have gave it to God paitently waiting on Him. our communication is shot and our foundation is cracked.
Why not try the therapist? Perhaps the pastor would be better (though not all are), but wouldn’t a therapist be better than nothing? If your spouse is unwilling to see a pastor but is willing to see someone, then go see someone. The alternative is to see no one. And if your relationship truly is as broken as you’ve indicated here, then seeing no one doesn’t seem to be an acceptable alternative.
Besides, what damage can even a mediocre therapist do to an already fractured marriage? Maybe the therapist can help you get to a point of emotional repair such that your relationship is healed enough to talk about the spiritual side of relationships. We can’t run a marathon when we’ve never run a mile.
I guess I would put it this way: If your body needs water but all you have is milk, drink the milk until you get access to water. In other words, try therapy until your spouse is at the point that allows for a more spiritual approach.
Sometimes only the best will do. At other times we rely on the good until we’re ready for the best. Try it out. More of the same doesn’t seem to be doing much for you.
On another note, my heart goes out to you and pray things work out. It can be tough when the core relationships of our lives break down. But don’t give up so long as there’s no abuse, drugs or criminality. At least try everything you can before other decisions are made. Wish you the best, C.
Great read. We definitely do suffer from intimacy deficiency especially in the individualistic cultures. I come from a collectivist culture and we still live in large, joint and extended families. There is always people around to listen, support and pick up some slack. Still it is increasingly being replaced with mere cellphone relationships.
Ken Wert, your wisdom on fostering spiritual intimacy is enlightening. Your advice resonates deeply, showcasing the power of shared spirituality in relationships. Thank you for this profound guidance on nurturing a more meaningful connection.