Note: This is 3rd in a 5-post series as my reply to a depressed reader who emailed me for help. She granted me permission to reply here on my blog. Click here for the first and here for the second in the series.
“The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.” ~ Lord Chesterton
Friendships are organic things. They live and grow and sometimes wilt and decay. They take something of us to maintain and nourish. Neglect can kill a relationship just as thoroughly as it can a houseplant.
At some level, we like to think there is nothing that could end a true friendship. Unconditional love, right? But in the real world, there are many poisons that can quickly sink deep into the bloodstream of even our most beloved relationships, infecting them with deadly toxins.
This is a post about those poisons.
But first, let’s examine the very life-giving organs of an ideal relationship because therein may also be clues to how we sometimes end up sabotaging them.
The 6 Vital Organs of Friendship
1. Loyalty
We want friends who are true and trustworthy, knowing they have our best interests at heart no matter what happens. When we tell them something in confidence today, we don’t want to read about it on Facebook tomorrow.
2. Intimacy
A close friend is someone we can open up to, share our darkest secrets with and with whom we can talk about anything. We are connected at a deep level. We love each other even if we never use the word (you know, a guy thing). We are kindred spirits and know each other’s thoughts.
3. Thoughtfulness
A good friend notices when things are going sour in our lives. They care. They reach out and call or text or get us out to distract us from our problems. They listen and give advice. They look out for us. They send notes and give hugs (don’t worry, it’s a girl thing).
4. Dependability
A good friend is someone we can rely on to weather difficult times. When you call, they show up. When you’re down, they lift. When you have nowhere to turn, they signal you in. We want to know our friends have our backs and can be counted on when things come crashing down on top of us.
5. Acceptance
Friends know your baggage and love you anyway. They accept you despite all the character warts and personality pimples that dot the skin of your soul. They accept you, flaws and all. There’s no need for pretense or secrets or fear. They value you, plain and simple.
6. Understanding
We want our closest friends to get us, to see clearly who we are. We want them to understand what we’re passionate about. We want them to know why we are the way we are and what gives us meaning and makes us happy. We want them to see the good intent behind our flawed attempts.
A Realistic Prognosis
It’s important to know that not all these traits will likely show up in every relationship without blemish. But all are tremendously important to a lasting friendship to one degree or another. Their absence can strain a friendship over time … or worse.
Confession: I still fail at living up to all of them all the time. I also fumble when trying to avoid injecting little doses of poison into the veins of even my most cherished relationships. Our goal in life, of course, is to take daily steps to live and be better. But truth be told, I’m still stepping and have far to go.
So take stock of your own life and determine which characteristics still need attention. Those may very well be the reasons for friendships that have gone sour.
Following are some of those poisons that can corrupt the vital organs of any friendship no matter how strong it starts out to be.
10 Paralyzing Toxins to any Friendship
Just for fun, let’s assume you wanted to use a deadly venom to inflict a fatal blow to one of your closest relationships (I know, but just play along!). How would you do it? The following is a how-to manual to help you inflict that fatal blow:
Poison #1: Judge and Condemn
How to apply: Never wait until the evidence is in as you wildly jump to conclusions, starting with the worse-case scenarios, of course. Judge harshly and hold others to unreasonable standards of perfection.
Never tolerate mistakes or character weaknesses or personality flaws. Scold, nag and criticize as often as possible.
Poison #2: Talk more than Listen
How to apply: When your friends need an ear, give them a mouthful. Steal the spotlight. Interrupt and finish sentences. Wait for the moment you can cut them off and take over. For added toxicity, when they come to vent, interrupt their venting to vent about their venting!
Poison #3: Hold Grudges
How to apply: Never forgive or forget. Hold on to the past. Bring up old wounds and old mistakes whenever arguing no matter how old or irrelevant to the current issue. If they challenge you on its relevancy, yell louder until they give in and accept the illogic of your diatribe as logical.
Poison #4: Be Closed off and Distant
How to apply: Stand aloof. Keep your inner thoughts inside. Be mechanical and cerebral in your conversations. Don’t let anyone get too close. Let your distance and aloofness be a preemptive strike against the possibility of anyone ever hurting you.
Stay stoic at all times. Not only should you never wear your heart on your sleeve, keep it stored in a locked box in subzero temperatures.
Poison #5: Get Angry … often!
How to apply: Let anger be your first and only response to anything that isn’t as you would like it. Blow everything out of proportion while you’re at it. Overreact and shout and yell.
For bonus points, use obscenities. Then, if you’re really good, if they complain about your constant anger, angrily condemn them for insensitivity.
Poison #6: Use Words Like, “You Always!” and “You Never!”
How to apply: Use all-inclusive and all-exclusive terms that give no room for nuance or accuracy or shades of gray. If they lie once, call them liars. Label them as if it was Judgment Day.
Say things like, “You ALWAYS act like that!” and “You NEVER listen to me!” If they do something dumb, avoid saying the thing they did was dumb. That just doesn’t wound deeply enough. Call them dumb instead!
Poison #7: Avoid Saying “Please” and “Thank You” and “I’m Sorry”
How to apply: Be nicer to strangers than friends. Be rude, blunt and demanding, especially in front of others to add a good lethal dose of humiliation to the noxious mix. Say things like, “Give me that!” and “Move it!”
Refuse to thank them for things they obviously should have done for you anyway. No reason to spoil them, after all!
Remember, your goal is to poison the relationship, so don’t dilute the poison with kindness. But demand such niceties from them as a hypocritical twist to the already toxic mixture.
Poison #8: Always Insist on Getting Your Way
How to apply: Always be in charge. When you go somewhere, always be the one who chooses where and when. To really show who is boss, insist on choosing the streets to get there as well. Get your way even if it means their needs, wants and rights are squashed like so many bugs on a windshield!
Make them feel selfish for ever wanting their own way. And above all else, be completely unreasonable in your expectations. The more unreasonable, in fact, the louder you should demand they be met … immediately … without question … or else!
Poison #9: Always be Right
How to apply: Never give in or try to see things from their perspective. If they disagree, make them feel stupid for disagreeing. If they insist that they’re right, be hurt as though their disagreement is the same as a slap in your face or spit in your eye.
Ignore the inconvenient fact that you’re disagreeing with them as much as they are with you. If you yell loud enough and blow things out of proportion large enough, they’ll likely never notice the inconsistency.
Poison #10: Get Offended Easily
How to apply: No matter what is said or done or not said or not done, interpret it as an attack on the core of your very being. Turn every exchange into a trial. Be so fragile that others are forced to walk on eggshells around you.
The more others fear offending you, the better. Use phrases for any and all such instances like, “That’s just proof you never really cared!” and “See! I knew you never loved me!”
The Effect
The result of such attitudes and behaviors is certain death to the relationship you may be desperately trying to hold on to. In fact, some of your behavior may be the result of that very desperation, a sort of panic-induced hope to cling to the carcass that was a friendship once upon a time.
The Antidote
So what’s the antidote? Simple. Stop doing those things that poison relationships. Learn what it is you do. See it clearly. Make no excuses, but don’t condemn yourself for being human either.
Now go to work to change those traits or habits that have sabotaged your relationships for far too long. You likely saw glimpses of yourself as you read. Take note of those characteristics you recognized and go to work reversing them.
To My Dear Reader Whose Email Prompted this Series …
One last word on friendship: Not all people are capable of being true friends. Their character and values are just too weak. They are plagued with selfishness or pride or other traits that get in the way of being true friends.
If that’s been the case for you, or if the relationships you have lost are beyond repair, learn the lessons the lost friendships can teach you and then seek new friends from better sources.
But most of all, be (or become) the kind of person who attracts good and decent people to you. That may mean there’s lots of work ahead of you.
But it’s always worth the climb.
I hope this has helped.
YOUR TURN!
- What are the vital ingredients to true friendship for you?
- What poisons have affected relationships you’ve been in and how did you deal with them?
- It would be awesome to read your thoughts in the comments below!
Oh yeah, don’t forget to Tweet and Share this post if you think others may find value in it!
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Great article and tips. I admit I’ve let a few friends go from my life over the years. No matter how often we see each other we all change and sometimes we change in ways that make friendships no longer compatible. Then there are those rare few friends – the ones that you can be apart from for months, years even and yet when you come together the closeness and respect remains as active and vivid as always.
marquita herald recently posted … Discover the Power of a Curious Mind
Thank you so much Marquita!
I had a whole group of friends I had to walk away from when my course took a spiritual route instead of the partying one it had been on in high school (a whole lot of years ago!). It just wasn’t a crowd that would feel comfortable around me or me around them. It was never about feeling they weren’t good enough for me either. We just chose different paths to travel and at some point along a new path, those who don’t want to travel with you have to go other ways.
Besides, life can be difficult enough working against our own inclinations toward procrastination, selfishness, pride and other characteristics of the human condition. Who needs additional obstacles in the form of friends who don’t have the best you in mind?
It is nice having those friends you can strike up a conversation with after long periods without contact and it seems like the conversation picked right up where it left off the last time you connected.
Thanks for the comment, Marquita!
I love your playful approach to the relationship poisons. =) The 2 that pop up when I think of my best friends are “understanding” and “acceptance.” I (and probably most everyone) have a deep need to be understood. For much of my life, I’ve felt misunderstood – as a super introvert with plenty of weird quirks, I’ve always felt like kind of an outsider. So to have friends that accept my quiet nature and my weird sense of humor – that means a lot to me!
Intimacy is big too – one particular friend and I can talk for hours about the Universe, living outside of the box, etc. The conversation is so energizing, inspiring, beautiful. Connection like that is awesome!
Kaylee recently posted … One Tab at a Time: 7 Tips to Browse the Web More Mindfully
Yeah, I had fun with it too. It actually went through several different revisions, trying to keep it playful without making it sound disrespectful to the reader whose email prompted this series. The last couple posts were pretty weighty, so thought I would go a little light. Glad you appreciated it, Kaylee.
I have a bit of the introvert living in me as well. I feel perfectly at home in front of my laptop plucking away, fiddling with ideas that matter. I like getting together with friends and family, but my natural environment is probably more solitude with my thoughts than average. Not many people would call me quiet though. It’s just where I usually prefer to be.
Those long conversations on deep topics is just as you say, “energizing, inspiring, beautiful.” Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts, Kaylee.
very wise tips Ken
its too bad to ruin something as good as a great relationship
thank you:)
Thanks Farouk,
True. It’ can be difficult for some people who don;t really see the whole picture sometimes. They see their own inner sense of dedication to the relationship and feel their commitment to it, but sometimes fail to recognize that (or at least fail to see the extent to which) they are contributing to the very demise of that relationship.
This post is meant to waken us to our own contributions to failed friendships. Sometimes people change (us or them) to the point that a friendship just no longer makes much sense. Other times there are concrete things we can do to improve them. I hope what I wrote helps the latter group.
Ken, this is so straight forward and right on the money. I love it. It was especially reassuring to see loyalty in the #1 position – right where it belongs. I feel this is the cornerstone to all meaningful relationships. The more meaningful the relationship, the more important it is to never be disloyal. This is especially true in marriage. Marriage mates can work through a lot of issues and get past them, but disloyalty is the one thing that will never completely heal. Thanks for a wonderful article.
Jonathan – Advanced Life Skills recently posted … Coaching Career Hype – it’s not about the Money!
Glad you liked it Jonathan. Disloyalty is a hard one to recover from. Disloyal friends are just not true friends. Of course, we have to remember just what it is we’re being loyal to. A friend who spills a secret that gets the other the help he needed is loyal even if the friend feels betrayed.
But you’re right about marriage. A real tough one when infidelity, the ultimate stab of disloyalty, smashes into a relationship. And while I have seen relationships heal after years of working on rebuilding what was broken, it is a difficult mountain to climb.
Thanks for adding your thoughts to the post, Jonathan. Appreciated!
There was a theme going through some posts recently about online friendships. It occurred to me as I was reading your two lists that these could be adapted to blog friendships as well. There is a wide range of views as to whether blog friendships are “real.” I’m not sure that is the right question. I think the question is how we treat each other. Hmm, you’ve got me thinking this morning.
Galen Pearl recently posted … Missing Sadie
Oh good! If I do nothing else here, if I can get people thinking and rethinking important topics and ideas, I’ve served a purpose worth serving. 🙂
While I named some essential characteristics of deep relationships and ways we can fracture them, I think a friendship can be largely defined by the people in it. I may never meet you face to face and may never have occasion to even test some of the characteristics I listed in this post. But to me, you are a friend. Still, those friendship poisons apply. Imagine if I began bad mouthing you on other blogs or dumped criticism and disrespect on you every time you showed up to leave a comment here. So while the nature and degree of intimacy may be different online, I think the principles by and large still apply.
That’s my mind on the subject, anyway. 🙂
Great post, Ken!
A lot of what you have pointed out happens when our egos get in the way. For instance, when we judge others harshly, our egos could also be implying that we are better. Yet, it helps to look at ourselves in the mirror. Because if we are judging others, we are likely to be judging ourselves too. To cultivate loving and healthy relationships on the outside, we need to first begin with ourselves.
Great point about the carnage our egos tend to make of things, Evelyn! Often when we are stumbling over ourselves and just making a mess of things, we can usually trace it back to the ego.
As for cultivating healthy relationships, you’re right on about where that work needs to start. The outer world is a reflection of the inner world in so many ways. Our relationships are often just one manifestation of that truth.
Thanks for bringing that insight and clarity to the post, Evelyn! Very much appreciated!
Ken, this is a powerful post. I recently read a book in which the author talked about becoming the type of person that others want to be around. The greatest challenge for me is to not be so focused on my schedule and caught up with my to do list that I forget to reach out and let others know how much they mean to me. Your article is helping me do that.
Steve-Prosper With Aspergers recently posted … Not Able To Sleep? These Tips Can Help
Thanks so much Steve. I can get tunnel vision myself and get so drawn into what I’m doing that I lose sight of the horizon and the people standing there with me. I get passionate about what I do and sometimes have to remember being dad and husband and friend are things I’m passionate about as well.
I’m touched my article has resonated with you, Steve. We’re all on that path together, working to be the kind of person others want to be around. I think this most about my children. I try to be the kind of person I would want them to be like one day. My daughter has passed me in the dust on that account. Now I have my son in mind as I keep working under the hood of Ken.
🙂 I just took stock and realized how lucky I am! My friends are precious people mainly because we never kept score about who called, who didn’t, who did something first and stuff like that. We all have fairly healthy temperaments and we each of us are certainly not similar in nature, which makes for a more exciting relationship. Many of my friends are from high school (Ken, I am a fossil you know. 48 autumns under my er…um….belt. And thank God it doesn’t show much!). I totally cherish them because I’ve moved a lot, and yet we kept in touch and today, when we talk, it is as though we had a conversation a little while ago and are taking up where we left off. We’ve practically grown together, most of us have our own families and it is amazing to look back and see how far we’ve come and treasure the fact that we have miles to go before we….sleep.
Of course there have been some toxic relationships, but I’ll never forget the fact that they only became that way at the time of breaking up, because I’ll always appreciate that for the duration of the relationship, it was all happy stuff. Some things are just meant to be. And happy is what I choose. Brooding and holding grudges is just not in my nature – and I’d rather live being as positive as I can and doing the good stuff.
I loved how you put across the “don’t dos” 😀 – works for all relationships.
As always, an enriching read. Love, Vidya
(I love the color change of the “submit comment” button below when I hover over it.)
Vidya Sury recently posted … My Daily Dose of Love
You make a valuable point here, Vidya. Playing that kind of game, keeping score, waiting for the other to prove they care as much about the relationship before taking the next step is a game from which friendship of the kind I’m talking about can’t be born. Haha! A fossil, huh? Well, I’m only one autumn behind you! Truth is there is nothing about you I’m aware of that’s very fossilized!
Sounds like you have deeply and richly rewarding friendships. I’ve found that there are simply toxic people in life. We’ll meet some of them. And those relationships will eventually hit a snag and that will be enough for the toxic personality to explode. There are people who get their way. Period. That’s where their character is, at least for now. They “deserve” a particular way of being treated and a certain level of commitment from their friends and if they don;t get it? Well, then, they’ll show us who’s boss and put us in our places. Such people have friends, but they are friendships they control. As soon as the weather gets a little cloudy (as they have defined bad weather — sometimes we don’t even see the clouds), they end the relationship. It’s a very utilitarian relationship. Friends become tools used to get what they want, feed their ego, pat them on the emotional or social back. That’s perhaps why the friendship seemed so wonderful while they considered it wonderful. Once things don’t go their way, the world comes crashing down because things violated their narrowly defined set of rules for what a “true” friend should do and how things should work. They are easily offended and once offended, they act decisively with an intolerance for life’s inconveniences and other people’s needs (since the universe ought to revolve around them). They are like icebergs: You never see what lies beneath the surface until it’s too late and you’ve crashed into the thing and water is filling the hull and the ship of your relationship is already sinking.
So as wonderful as the friendship seemed while it lasted, it’s probably a good thing to have those kind of emotionally demanding relationships fall to the wayside. They can hurt, but are good for us in the long-run. Life is just too full of things to do to be walking on eggshells all the time, especially when you don’t even know what they’re supposed to look like int he first place!
Looks like your email wandered into my reply here as well.
I love your attitude about such things, Vidya. Grudges are weapons that backfire on us whenever used. They are good things to discard as soon as possible. I’m not much of a grudge-holder myself. But I’ve known some and they are not a happy lot.
I’ll write back soon (email). Until then, know I cherish our growing friendship!
That is so true… and I think I am guilty in using words like, “You Always!” and “You Never!” That’s a shame…
Sindi recently posted … Inspiration ist die wichtigste. Inspiration ist alles.
I think we all have been guilty of using those words from time to time, Sindi. I’ve caught myself and corrected mid-sentence on more than a couple occasions. But I think those course corrections send important signals to both the person we’re using them on (oops, I know you don’t “always” or “never”) and to our own brains as we retrain ourselves to think and speak differently.
Live and learn, Sindi! That’s the motto I tend to live by. It keeps me from sinking under the weight of what might otherwise be a ton of guilt and shame, given how often I stumble! 😉
So glad you stopped by and shared!
Right. 🙂 You’ve expressed it so beautifully. Thanks very much. I cherish our friendship too. Life is good, isn’t it?
Vidya Sury recently posted … My Daily Dose of Love
Absolutely, Vidya!
Hi Ken,
That’s a very striking image of a man spewing something bad. I wouldn’t want to be around someone like that and that also relates to friends. I’ve become choosy in selecting who I become friends with because I’ve learned over the years that sooner or later they’ll come borrowing my hard-earned money and not getting paid back most of the time.
If I want to retain the friendship, then I need to lower my expectations and accept them for who they are. Otherwise, I need to forget the friendship and steer clear of people who just want to take advantage.
Theresa Torres recently posted … Spring Into Your Local Farmers Markets
Hi Theresa!
As I was looking for a photo to go with the post, I was looking for things like empty park benches and empty swings or two people yelling at each other or a close friendship. Then I came across this photo. It was such a compelling picture to me. It said so much without saying anything. I wasn’t going to use it at first because it didn’t seem to convey the message I had in mind. But the more I looked at it and thought about what I was writing and the larger context of this article being the 3rd in a 5-post series on depression, the more I grew to see the connection and got excited about using it. Still there was some reservation because I wasn’t sure passers-by would get the connection at first. There is a certain violence to the picture and didn’t know if it would be compelling or a turnoff to others. I know, way to much thought going into picture selection! But glad it caught your attention. 🙂
So far I’ve been able to steer clear of your dilemma. As a public school teacher by day, I’ve never had the bank account others would look at as a resource to borrow from! But I have wondered how celebrities and others with tons of money or fame and the like know how to differentiate between those who love them because of them and those who love them while they have access to their money and popularity.
I suppose there are always clues such people drop in unguarded moments that we often discount or misread because we value the friendship.
Like you said, we have to steer clear of those who really are not friendship material where they currently stand. Some people look for hosts more than friends they can leach benefits from. We are not doing them any long-term favors allowing them that kind of unseemly behavior. Good luck recognizing them early, avoiding the potential problem of misdiagnosis and removing the leaches from the skin of your friendships.
Hi Ken,
Wonderful list for friendships. We do have to learn when to walk away from some relationships and when to know that they are worth holding on too.
We always have to remember never to stay in any relationship, because we think we can save someone from themselves or change them. people are who and what they want to be.
the question is, do they make your life better and you make there better? if the answer is yes, than the relationship is worth having. if the answer is no, it is best to walk away.
thanks for waking up those wheels in my head this morning. Keep up the great work, Ken.
blessings to you always,
debbie
Debbie Bills recently posted … How You Can Stop Your Break Up, Divorce or Being Rejected in Your Relationship
Thanks Debbie!
Walking away from relationships can be so difficult after investing so much time and energy into them. We get so invested in making it work that we sometimes stay in them far too long. Other times, it seems people are too eager to jump ship after the waters get a little roiled. The difficulty is in knowing when enough is enough.
I like your litmus test, though: Am I a better person in this relationship or not. But I think it’s important to ask it from a long-term perspective. We can feel like the other person is bringing us down at any given moment, during a fight, when the other is stressed etc. But what is the relationship like and how am I being built up or beat up by it in the long-run? I think that’s a powerful question to ask.
Thanks for adding that, Debbie!
Wow, great article and poison tips
You live and love as U can.Seems like every person is limited in something.
That’s why we cant really follow those steps even if we try.
For sure, the poison ones we love to use 🙂
Thanks for stopping by and sharing Marcel!
The point to life, as I see it, is to learn and grow. Otherwise, we stay stuck in perpetual immaturity and dependence. So to “live and love as you can” may be technically true (how else can you live or love other than how you can?!), but not truly true. In other words, we can learn to livbe better and love in increasingly healthier ways. That’s the whole point of personal development.
So while any particular person may not even need to folow all those steps and others are so deeply burried in unhealthy realtioships that to follow all of them, or even more than one or two, could be overwhelming and impossible, at least at first, of course we can follow steps to greater personl growth.
If I can follow steps to assemble a couch or a bed and can follow steps to do algebra and chemistry ro to conduct a complex scientific experiment, there are personal development and relationship steps that can be followed to improve on who we are as individuals.
Otherwise, we are littel more than animals or organisms, responding to external stimuli, a living ping ong ball being vollied between the genetic and circumstancial paddles of life. That’s not how I see things.
Still thanks for the perspective. I would love to know what you think of my reply, Marcel.
I admit it, I think that unconditional love doesn’t exist really, the friendship could be really as strong as love. These kind of social relations mustn’t be unconditional. There is a really strong emotional dependence between the parties. That’s why I really like your point on acceptance and loyalty, these are one of the most important circumstances of a good-working relation like friendship. (And tolerance of course)
Grete recently posted … Scrappen und Ohrenschmerzen
Thanks for sharing this perspective Grete!
While perhaps the desire to receive unconditional love is an immature longing to be given what we don;t do much to earn, I think there is at least one relationship where unconditional love is attainable and probably pretty important — parental love. Parental love falls into a class unto its own and I think for at least many of us parent-types, there will always be this deep-seeded love that beats in the deepest parts of our hearts for our children.
Having made that distinction, I still believe being able to offer unconditional love is attainable too (though very difficult and probably only extremely rarely ever attained by us human types). Wanting it from others may be immature, wanting to be able to reach that level of love to share with others is admirable. But that level of love requires a level of character development that few people ever experience, where ego has been completely subjugated to higher impulses, where hate and envy and pride and selfishness have been rooted out. I think it is likely as much a gift as something worked for.
Still, we’re talking possibilities, not very often realities. But still something worth aiming at in life. This is the love that Jesus and Buddha and Gandhi and the like seem to have reached.
Loved the comment, Grete! Love it when readers get me thinking!
Hi Ken,
Listening is an antidote to a wounded heart. Even when you don’t offer advice, just hearing out the pains of your friend is already a relief to him. If only each person has a true friend who will lend an ear to him when he is downhearted, we won’t have much need for the shrink.
Amy Turner recently posted … Best Credit Card for Car Rental Insurance
Ken- I’ve just stumbled across your blog, and loved this post. I recently had to let some friendships go, even family ones, as they were unhealthy for me for many of the reasons you list above. It was very difficult and though I have been comfortable being a home-body, being more introverted, I am now finding myself lonely, aching for a good, deep conversation, and wondering how to make new, worthwhile friendships. Where, at the age of 40, do I meet true friends? I know that it takes time to develop them, but I am truly at a loss at where to start. Any ideas?
Hi Shannon!
Just stumbled across your comment here (no idea how long ago you posted it), but felt moved by your heart-felt sentiment so am replying now. Hope I’m not too late to help (actually, I do hope I’m too late, that you have already found some friends!) 🙂
If not, here’s a few suggestions:
1. Find an intimate church. One that meets together socially too. One that’s friendly. If interested, you can send me an email and i can find some resources for you along these lines. A shared religion connects people at the level of shared beliefs and values. This is a good head start.
2. Join a service organization. Find a cause you feel would be meaningful (from saving the whales to feeding the poor). When people serve together, they often connect at the level of shared passions and causes.
3. Join a team. If you’re athletic, find a city team you can join. If not, take a class. City civic centers sometimes have classes you can look into. You can connect with others over shared interests.
Hope this helps. I would love to know if it does (or doesn’t). But you’re right–friendships take some time to develop. But they develop much faster if we take initiative, rather than waiting for others to make the first move in our direction.
[…] can lessen end your suffering, all of it, be it verbal abuse, emotional abuse or physical […]
Reading your list of poisons of relationships, I feel blessed that none of my friends or family members or myself inject poisons into our relationships. In regards to the life-giving organs of an ideal relationship I am far from being perfect or strong. I like the way you end the article by encouraging the readers to make changes and become better relationship players.
Amazing article and practical tips smooth friendship. I fully agree with the mentioned 10 Poisons that really harmful to any relationship.